Walk by faith, not by sight

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized Add comments

I have to admit, I was not planning to get pregnant this cycle. I was pretty sure that Paul had cancer and now was not a good time. But God’s ways are not our ways. 11 days before AF was due I had a strange dream that came true and led me to take a pregnancy test the next morning. It was positive. We were happy, of course, but I was a bit scared. Positive test the day before surgery just could not be a coincidence. I cramped and bled the next day, not sure if I was miscarrying or not. Elevated hormone levels could mean a couple of things- ectopic pregnancy or multiples.

Paul did have surgery. The tumor grew through the colon and attached itself to his back and into the blood vessels in his leg. They removed what they could, but to remove those blood vessels would cripple him.

The Dr came to me following a longer and more complicated surgery then expected. He said that Paul was doing well and awake (he didn’t wake up following his appendectomy last year.) However, the mass, as I said, was tremendous and impossible to remove all of it. It was all malignant. My 33 YO husband has cancer.

I’m stunned. Why is it that so much has been happening to us? He is in so much pain, and the meds make him sick so he doesn’t take them. He wept on my shoulder today. I can not help him. And what happens when I have this baby?

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Only 2 weeks post conception but there was a little sack with a little dot in it. 🙂 I also have one or both of my ovaries very swollen with cysts, which cause some pain. I was researching and found that they can be caused by multiple pregnancies, so we’ll see. I have another ultrasound in two weeks.

I admit, the situation by sight is pretty scary. My husband has cancer. I am pregnant. Post rupture. Possible rupture, preterm labor, and definite cesarean are in my future. We can’t sell our house right now. Hubby can’t work right now.

But we are to walk by faith, and not by sight. We know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. That means that everything that happens is for GOOD! That might be tough to swallow right now, but in time it will all work out.

On the way home from the hospital I listened to Beauty from Pain by Superchick. It’s so appropriate following the death of a child, a diagnosis of cancer, ect.

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

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