Welcome to my microcosm

I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven.

Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.

Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)

I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.

My God is might to save. amen?!