Walk by faith, not by sight

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

I have to admit, I was not planning to get pregnant this cycle. I was pretty sure that Paul had cancer and now was not a good time. But God’s ways are not our ways. 11 days before AF was due I had a strange dream that came true and led me to take a pregnancy test the next morning. It was positive. We were happy, of course, but I was a bit scared. Positive test the day before surgery just could not be a coincidence. I cramped and bled the next day, not sure if I was miscarrying or not. Elevated hormone levels could mean a couple of things- ectopic pregnancy or multiples.

Paul did have surgery. The tumor grew through the colon and attached itself to his back and into the blood vessels in his leg. They removed what they could, but to remove those blood vessels would cripple him.

The Dr came to me following a longer and more complicated surgery then expected. He said that Paul was doing well and awake (he didn’t wake up following his appendectomy last year.) However, the mass, as I said, was tremendous and impossible to remove all of it. It was all malignant. My 33 YO husband has cancer.

I’m stunned. Why is it that so much has been happening to us? He is in so much pain, and the meds make him sick so he doesn’t take them. He wept on my shoulder today. I can not help him. And what happens when I have this baby?

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Only 2 weeks post conception but there was a little sack with a little dot in it. 🙂 I also have one or both of my ovaries very swollen with cysts, which cause some pain. I was researching and found that they can be caused by multiple pregnancies, so we’ll see. I have another ultrasound in two weeks.

I admit, the situation by sight is pretty scary. My husband has cancer. I am pregnant. Post rupture. Possible rupture, preterm labor, and definite cesarean are in my future. We can’t sell our house right now. Hubby can’t work right now.

But we are to walk by faith, and not by sight. We know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. That means that everything that happens is for GOOD! That might be tough to swallow right now, but in time it will all work out.

On the way home from the hospital I listened to Beauty from Pain by Superchick. It’s so appropriate following the death of a child, a diagnosis of cancer, ect.

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

The days we are given are a gift from above

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized 1 Comment »

“We Live” Superchick

There’s a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost her son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she’d trade with him for a little more time
(so she could say she loved him one last time)
And hold him tight
But with life we never know when we’re coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

There’s a man who waits for the tests to
See if the cancer had spread yet
And now he asks why did I wait to live ’til it was time to die
If I could have the time back, how I’d live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well, this is your story and it all depends
So don’t let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day
Is a gift somehow, someway
And get our heads up out of this darkness
And spark this new mindset and start on with life cuz it ain’t gone yet
And tragedy’s a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We’re supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life is worth living

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

holding on to Jesus

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, health, Sovereignty of God No Comments »

Paul is having surgery Thursday and he’ll be there a week or longer. The surgeon said that there’s too high a risk that there is cancer. He said that if we waited any longer it would have DEFINITELY turned into cancer but there’s a good chance that some of it already is, even though the biopsy came back negative. So, he’s removing a foot (at least) of his colon.

I did a google search for fever (one of his ongoing symptoms) and cancer and found that a tumor in a cancer patient can cause a fever. So hopefully this will take care of that symptom. He’s in a lot of pain right now, but we think that most of that is his hernia, which also needs to be repaired. He has a bone in the area of the cancer, though, that has a lot of pain so I can’t help but wonder if he has cancer in that bone.

I can say “God’s will be done” all day long, but the fact is that we will miss him terribly while he’s gone and it would be totally devastating to us if he doesn’t make it. The thought of loosing my husband so soon after loosing my son….

Well, I’ve had a hard time accomplishing much. I’m so tired. I grieved the two days that I waited for the results of the biopsy.

Holding on to Jesus

No more diapers!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »


I have a friend who has her third baby and the children are around 4, 2, 4 months. She practices Elimination Communication. Yes, the 4 MO uses the potty! I found that the tiny Baby Bjorn potty is best for the little ones and as they get too big, the larger Baby Bjorn is my absolute favorite potty. When they are big enough to get on the regular adult potty on their own we have a smaller seat attached to a full size seat

My oldest potty trained at age 4. My next at age 5. Third at age 4. This was expensive and potty training for so many years was stressful for all of us. So when my fourth was born I DID NOT want this to happen and I decided that my others may have potty trained sooner if I didn’t wait until age 2 to introduce the potty. My little one was taken to the bathroom anytime I had an older child go sit on the potty. I bought the Baby Bjorn potties and kept one in the van and one in the kitchen. It was very soon that my baby (not yet a year old) was ASKING to sit on the potty. Yay! I put a box of books next to the potty. When she started walking she would go sit on the potty and read many times a day. She never DID anything in the potty, but she was sitting happily. At age 2 she started eliminating a couple times a week and I was happy to see progress. About two weeks ago (age 2 1/2) she said no more diapers and I let her run around with a bare bottom and a dress….and she used the potty exclusively! She is now fully potty trained (dry at night and nap times) without ANY EFFORT on my part. No bribing, spanking, fussing, ext. It was so easy, she potty trained herself. Now, it could be that she was just more apt to potty training but given that my approach to training this time around was so different, I tend to believe that it was introducing the potty in infancy that made all the difference. I don’t think I could have managed true EC while trying to potty train three to four children at the same time, but if God blesses us with another I may start out EC.

BTW, I spent $5,000 on disposable diapers before I refused to use them anylonger and went to cloth diapers. I did not find that cloth helped in potty training (naked bottoms did, though) but it was so much cheaper! I like www.diaperswappers.com, www.craigslist.org, www.freecycle.org for diapers. Here’s some books on EC (there are many websites as well.)

http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/
http://www.thepottywhisper.com/

What kids say

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, Homeschooling, Uncategorized 1 Comment »

The other day I listened to the girls in their usual round of “Old McDonald Has a Farm.” After all the animals had been named, the next line they sang was “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had lots of poop, E I E I O. With Lots of poop here, and lots of poop there. Here lots of poop, there lots of poop, everywhere lots of poop. Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

Oh my, well with all those animals surely there was lots of poop, right? hehe

Then they followed it with “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had a wife, E I E I O. With a “Get to work here” and a “Get to work there” here a “get to work” there a “get to work” everywhere a “get to work.” Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

I was laughing before, but that was just hysterical!

send me a rainbow

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, Poems, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Send me a rainbow – Laura Story

Just to hold you, child.

Just to know you, child.

Just to hear you cry.

To look into your eyes.

Just to see you, child.

Just to touch you, child.

Pieces of me I will not see

This side of time.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now.

Let Jesus hold you, child.

For Jesus knows you child.

Let Jesus hush your cry.

Lord Jesus, please hush mine.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now

The Silent Ride

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized 1 Comment »

On our way home from the hospital, it was so quiet. There was no happy chatter, no crying baby, no stops for diaper change or breastfeeding. There was complete and total silence.

I had another such ride yesterday. My husband has been sick since his appendectomy in Oct. He was sick and miserable at all my midwife apts and both times I went into labor. He’s seen by so many drs and had so many tests. And finally, we know what is wrong.

He had a colonoscopy yesterday to see if he was nicked during the appendectomy. It was a 15 minute procedure that took an hour. They finally called me back there and the dr came to speak with us. His face was pained. “I’m very sorry, this was not what I expected. It’s so rare. Not in men your age, I’ve only seen two cases.”

The dr said there’s a greater then 95% probability that he has cancer. We should know in the next couple of days.

My husband didn’t quite understand, and asked about his vacation. When the dr left I showed him the photos and the report and explained everything the dr said. Tears ran down his face.

My 30th birthday is Sunday. That is also Benjamin’s 6 month angelversary. And now I feel like I am morning the loss of my husband. Is that silly? Premature? I don’t know. But it’s not a happy birthday.

And again our ride home was silent. Completely and totally silent.

What people Say

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy No Comments »

“Well, it’s not so bad you lost your son, you have trouble taking care of the 4 you have.”

“Oh well, at least you have 4 others, you should just be grateful for what you have” ( as though I’m NOT grateful? WHAT?!?)

“I’m sure you’ll have lots more.” Well, actually, my dr doesn’t think I will be able to get pregnant again, and if I do that baby has a good chance of being miscarried or stillborn. And there’s NOTHING they can do for me to reduce those odds.

Upon seeing his photo in my photo tote bag “You know, you can’t put him at the level as your other children. He’s not really part of your family.” that was my MOM.

“I know people keep saying he’s beautiful but not really, not like your other kids.” that was also my mom.

“At least you didn’t get attached to him before he died.” Ok, I have a few choice words for that one which I will keep in my head.

“I know just how you feel, I miscarried.” I have had several miscarriages and it is NOTHING like loosing a full term baby (or even a 20 weeker, which is still pretty far along.) Loosing a baby at 40 weeks, when you know that baby so well and have all their things washed and ready and your hospital bag packed…and then you hold that baby in your arms, eyes closed, mouth open, and no beating heart or rising chest…a miscarriage cannot be compared to that. Nothing can be compared to that.