babies everywhere

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Right after I had Benjamin I had a WIC apt. There aren’t usually more then two babies there and not usually brand new ones. I wasn’t worried. But this time the room was PACKED with women ALL with BRAND NEW BABY BOYS!!! Most of them were teens, too. It was so hard. I was just a wreck. It took every bone in my body to not stand up and say “My baby just died. If any of you don’t want yours, I’d be happy to take him.” When the nutritionist found out that my baby had died she felt awful about the fourty minutes or more I was forced to sit with all those newborn boys. She offered me to stay in the back while they finished my stuff up.

I don’t hate pregnant women, but when they complain I want to shake them. No, I want to choke them. It infuriates me. When they talk about wanting the baby to be born NOW I tell them they should cherish EVERY MOMENT. Life is fragile. That’s all the time I had with Benjamin, when he was inside of me. I would do absolutely anything to have him inside me again. I want to run up to every pregnant woman and tell her “I know that you think one day soon you will have a little squirming baby in your arms. But that day may never come. You may never see a smiling face or open eyes. So enjoy each kick and each movement because it may be all that you have. DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Don’t think that just because you are past 12 weeks you aren’t likely to loose your baby. Don’t think that at 26 weeks you now have a viable baby. Don’t think at 36/37 weeks the baby wouldn’t be in the NICU. Because YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A LIVING, BREATHING BABY AT ALL! You may end up with an empty bed.

new life

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

A friend of mine just had a baby two days ago. I went to see her. I needed to- she was attempting a home VBAC and lost heart tones and rushed to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. I know how she felt going through what she went through, especially how the hospital treated her. I went through it in March. I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though she still has her baby (praise God!) she still has some grieving to work through. This was her fourth c-section and although she would like more children, she is afraid of having more sections. I’ve had 5, I understand completely.

Anyway, I was glad she had a girl because it made it easier for me to be there for her. But this was the first time I had been in a hospital since Benjamin. I walked in and the smell…the hospital smell almost brought me to tears. When I passed by the nursery I stopped to look at the babies and they were wrapped up in the blanket the funeral home had used. I had asked them to remove the blanket and gave them something nicer. But seeing that blanket wrapped around those newborn babies took my breath away. A sob caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. I wanted to take the time to grieve, but I wanted to be strong for my friend too. I wondered what the nurses thought when they looked up and saw the stranger in the window wasn’t smiling but crying.

When I was in her room they brought the baby to her and LEFT HER AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. My friend couldn’t get her, and so I asked her if she’d like be to bring her. She did, and so for the first time since Benjamin, I held a baby. She had fat cheeks like Benjamin did. She was big, almost 9 pounds. He was almost 10 pounds. Of course I had to talk about him. I tried not to, because this is her day and I didn’t want to steal any joy she had. Another lady from our VBAC group came and you could tell whenever I mentioned Benjamin she tried to change the subject. She didn’t make eye contact with me, didn’t hug me, barely acknowledged me. I wanted to shout “I AM HERE! It’s OK to talk about my baby. I WANT to talk about my baby. ASK ME about him! Ask me if I have pictures, because I do! LOTS of pictures, always with me. He is my son. Please stop pretending that he doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, just not in my arms. Acknowledge him. I need you to acknowledge him, not push him out of thoughts and conversation. I can’t forget him, how can you?”

because I haven’t the strength

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission No Comments »

I keep wanting to update here but I just can’t seem to do it. So, I’ll let my husband do it for me. Here’s his blog
We all appreciate your prayers.

Sarah