He’s Gone, and I’m Empty

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It was so hard, putting my beautiful little boy in the ground. I couldn’t do
it. I kissed him and walked away. I couldn’t even bear to see them close the
casket.

I never once complained about being pregnant. This was my easiest pregnancy.
The end was difficult and I couldn’t wait for it to be over NOT because I was
tired of being pregnant but because of the on and off labor where I never knew if it was
‘it’ or not. And at the end when I felt I was dying, well it’s because I was. I was dying and to save my life Benjamin had to go. Sadly I wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late, and now he’s gone and nothing will bring him back.

But the pregnant part…I cherished it. He was huge- 9 lbs 9 oz and I’m only
5’3″. It was hard for me to sleep and I was loosing weight as he was gaining (I
have lost 30 lbs in the last week, some from baby weight and some because I haven’t been eating.) But I loved every moment with him. Every movement, even though he woke me each morning at 4:30. Every kick, even when I wondered if my rib would crack. Each day, many times a day, I ascertained where his head, back, knees and legs were, to make sure he was in the right birthing position. And when he started to turn I’d gently move him back. I wanted to give him the best possible chance at birth, so that he wouldn’t be cut out of me like his sisters were for breech presentation. And at the end, he was in the perfect position to be born. But it didn’t matter, because he was dead.

I lost three babies this past year. I had an apparent miscarriage when we had
the accident in May, and then I lost Benjamin’s twin and now him. I admit, it’s
frustrating. The Duggars became QF and their first QF blessing was twin boys!
We became QF and we lost one and THEN twins. But this has not changed our
desire to be obedient to the Lord and we fervently pray that God blesses us with
twin boys in a few months.

I am in anguish, though, as I miss him. I miss him moving inside of me. I miss talking to him and him responding. I miss my anticipation of his arrival and making plans. I miss not getting to breast feed him, especially in the morning when I wake and he’s not lying next to me, nor is he inside of me. He’s not here. I miss Kailey telling him each night “Good night Benjamin” and him kicking his reply. His sisters loved him, and he loved his sisters. Everyone looked forward to finally seeing his sweet face and holding him and playing with him.

But he’s gone.