send me a rainbow

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, Poems, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Send me a rainbow – Laura Story

Just to hold you, child.

Just to know you, child.

Just to hear you cry.

To look into your eyes.

Just to see you, child.

Just to touch you, child.

Pieces of me I will not see

This side of time.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now.

Let Jesus hold you, child.

For Jesus knows you child.

Let Jesus hush your cry.

Lord Jesus, please hush mine.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now

Missing Benjamin

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

The day before our scheduled cesarean our son, first grandson after 7 girls, was born still. I remember the ultrasound- the tech had a blank expression. I asked if he was alive, no reply. Is he ok, what’s wrong? You’d have to talk to the dr. I actually went into the c-section still not knowing if my baby was going to be ok. But he was still, and he had been moving frantically before (the reason I went to the hospital, that and a heartbeat deceleration.)

I woke from general anesthesia, and my husband handed me our son. He was so beautiful. A little prince. And not breathing.

I miss him.

My birthday will be on the sixth month anniversary of his death. I don’t think I will be doing much celebrating.

Breathing and blessing

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.

For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!

So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

He gives and takes away, blessed be His name!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

In response to this blog

I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.

“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”

YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.

“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)

I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”

Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.

Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.

Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.

And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!

I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.

You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.

May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light

babies everywhere

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Right after I had Benjamin I had a WIC apt. There aren’t usually more then two babies there and not usually brand new ones. I wasn’t worried. But this time the room was PACKED with women ALL with BRAND NEW BABY BOYS!!! Most of them were teens, too. It was so hard. I was just a wreck. It took every bone in my body to not stand up and say “My baby just died. If any of you don’t want yours, I’d be happy to take him.” When the nutritionist found out that my baby had died she felt awful about the fourty minutes or more I was forced to sit with all those newborn boys. She offered me to stay in the back while they finished my stuff up.

I don’t hate pregnant women, but when they complain I want to shake them. No, I want to choke them. It infuriates me. When they talk about wanting the baby to be born NOW I tell them they should cherish EVERY MOMENT. Life is fragile. That’s all the time I had with Benjamin, when he was inside of me. I would do absolutely anything to have him inside me again. I want to run up to every pregnant woman and tell her “I know that you think one day soon you will have a little squirming baby in your arms. But that day may never come. You may never see a smiling face or open eyes. So enjoy each kick and each movement because it may be all that you have. DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Don’t think that just because you are past 12 weeks you aren’t likely to loose your baby. Don’t think that at 26 weeks you now have a viable baby. Don’t think at 36/37 weeks the baby wouldn’t be in the NICU. Because YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A LIVING, BREATHING BABY AT ALL! You may end up with an empty bed.

new life

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

A friend of mine just had a baby two days ago. I went to see her. I needed to- she was attempting a home VBAC and lost heart tones and rushed to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. I know how she felt going through what she went through, especially how the hospital treated her. I went through it in March. I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though she still has her baby (praise God!) she still has some grieving to work through. This was her fourth c-section and although she would like more children, she is afraid of having more sections. I’ve had 5, I understand completely.

Anyway, I was glad she had a girl because it made it easier for me to be there for her. But this was the first time I had been in a hospital since Benjamin. I walked in and the smell…the hospital smell almost brought me to tears. When I passed by the nursery I stopped to look at the babies and they were wrapped up in the blanket the funeral home had used. I had asked them to remove the blanket and gave them something nicer. But seeing that blanket wrapped around those newborn babies took my breath away. A sob caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. I wanted to take the time to grieve, but I wanted to be strong for my friend too. I wondered what the nurses thought when they looked up and saw the stranger in the window wasn’t smiling but crying.

When I was in her room they brought the baby to her and LEFT HER AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. My friend couldn’t get her, and so I asked her if she’d like be to bring her. She did, and so for the first time since Benjamin, I held a baby. She had fat cheeks like Benjamin did. She was big, almost 9 pounds. He was almost 10 pounds. Of course I had to talk about him. I tried not to, because this is her day and I didn’t want to steal any joy she had. Another lady from our VBAC group came and you could tell whenever I mentioned Benjamin she tried to change the subject. She didn’t make eye contact with me, didn’t hug me, barely acknowledged me. I wanted to shout “I AM HERE! It’s OK to talk about my baby. I WANT to talk about my baby. ASK ME about him! Ask me if I have pictures, because I do! LOTS of pictures, always with me. He is my son. Please stop pretending that he doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, just not in my arms. Acknowledge him. I need you to acknowledge him, not push him out of thoughts and conversation. I can’t forget him, how can you?”

because I haven’t the strength

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission No Comments »

I keep wanting to update here but I just can’t seem to do it. So, I’ll let my husband do it for me. Here’s his blog
We all appreciate your prayers.

Sarah

He’s Gone, and I’m Empty

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It was so hard, putting my beautiful little boy in the ground. I couldn’t do
it. I kissed him and walked away. I couldn’t even bear to see them close the
casket.

I never once complained about being pregnant. This was my easiest pregnancy.
The end was difficult and I couldn’t wait for it to be over NOT because I was
tired of being pregnant but because of the on and off labor where I never knew if it was
‘it’ or not. And at the end when I felt I was dying, well it’s because I was. I was dying and to save my life Benjamin had to go. Sadly I wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late, and now he’s gone and nothing will bring him back.

But the pregnant part…I cherished it. He was huge- 9 lbs 9 oz and I’m only
5’3″. It was hard for me to sleep and I was loosing weight as he was gaining (I
have lost 30 lbs in the last week, some from baby weight and some because I haven’t been eating.) But I loved every moment with him. Every movement, even though he woke me each morning at 4:30. Every kick, even when I wondered if my rib would crack. Each day, many times a day, I ascertained where his head, back, knees and legs were, to make sure he was in the right birthing position. And when he started to turn I’d gently move him back. I wanted to give him the best possible chance at birth, so that he wouldn’t be cut out of me like his sisters were for breech presentation. And at the end, he was in the perfect position to be born. But it didn’t matter, because he was dead.

I lost three babies this past year. I had an apparent miscarriage when we had
the accident in May, and then I lost Benjamin’s twin and now him. I admit, it’s
frustrating. The Duggars became QF and their first QF blessing was twin boys!
We became QF and we lost one and THEN twins. But this has not changed our
desire to be obedient to the Lord and we fervently pray that God blesses us with
twin boys in a few months.

I am in anguish, though, as I miss him. I miss him moving inside of me. I miss talking to him and him responding. I miss my anticipation of his arrival and making plans. I miss not getting to breast feed him, especially in the morning when I wake and he’s not lying next to me, nor is he inside of me. He’s not here. I miss Kailey telling him each night “Good night Benjamin” and him kicking his reply. His sisters loved him, and he loved his sisters. Everyone looked forward to finally seeing his sweet face and holding him and playing with him.

But he’s gone.

Oil of Joy for Mourning

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

When I first started looking into having a VBAC it was at the urging of the Holy Spirit. I was concerned because my OBGYN had been insistent that I could never have a head down baby, I could never deliver a full term baby, and that most VBACs end in rupture and most ruptures end in dead babies and mommies. We prayed that God would heal my uterus, but healing never came. And instead the gentle prodding “What if I tell you to do this for me, even without the healing, would you?” I stammered my response but couldn’t shake this was from God, because it happened at the very moment that a previous prophetic dream was unfolding before my eyes in a dramatic situation at church. I knew that not only was this God, but that God was asking something of me I wasn’t willing to give. Myself. My baby. Crazy to think- because I’m quiverfull! But as the week progressed God changed my heart and I found myself giving up everything for Him. Although I now had faith, my approach was then turned to purely scientific- what is best for mom and baby? I felt strongly that I was being lead to research it, and as I read the studies and commentaries written by doctors such as Birth After Cesarean, I became heavily convicted that the VBAC IS the logical and, in comparison to multiple cesareans, SAFE choice.

But then as time passed I became excited at the opportunity to experience natural birth. I know, many women think that is silly as it
is painful and just a means to an end. But as a very natural- earthy person the idea of doing what my body is MEANT to do, to deliver in a way that it was created to function, was just so RIGHT. And the pursuit of natural birth literature and films consumed me.

Then I started reading books on the injustice of the medical system- the horrible things that drs do to their patients. Born in The USA, Pushed, The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, and others. I was angry- angry that I was lead around so easily, convinced that the drs really had my best interests at heart. People say “as long as you have a healthy baby” but why is my baby’s life more important then mine? I’m not a feminist, but I think I’m pretty important too. And who’s to say that I had healthy babies simply because they were born via c-section? They were in the NICU, they couldn’t nurse, my oldest has a terrible gag reflex from the tube shoved down her throat. What kind of sensory or psychological damage do they have? Don’t they deserve a physically and emotionally healthy mom too? And what right did the drs have to do this to us?

I fell into Birthing From Within and it was the same as above, with horrible stories of injustice and pain. But there was more- there was hope. There was healing, but before healing begins the wounds must open. And that’s when I began to grieve. That’s when I stopped reading these stories as OTHER women’s stories, and realized that they were MY story.

That’s when I stopped saying “she was delivered at__weeks” and said “She was taken from me.” I stopped saying “my c-section” and said instead “They cut me.” For the first time, I remembered my experiences with all the raw truth of what really happened. No wonder I suffered from PTSD! and all this time I thought it was merely because I felt out of control,
but in truth I was positively abused!

The hurt and pain was strong and throbbing. The tears were hot. But the anger and grief and pain are all necessary, because true healing can’t begin until you recognize the truth in the situation. When you recognize what really happened, what your part in it was, and how it truly affected you, then you can begin the turning process.

The Bible says that God gives beauty from ashes, and this was the
beginning of that.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for
ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit
of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the
planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3.

So now begins the joy. I can have joy that even if I need another section, it will be because I actually need it and is something I have chosen, not something forced on me. It will be because it IS the best for mom and babe, not because it lessens the chance of the dr getting sued. And I can finally embrace the healing.

sarah