Back in November I was suffering the loss of my much desired set of twins. I discovered that for me, pregnancy and birth brought the words death, pain, tears, empty arms, grief, as I posted here.
Well, I am very pleased to say that is no longer the case! There has definitely been a lot of healing in my heart since then.
A woman does not need a beautiful waterbirth to feel empowered, nor a VBAC to find healing from the trauma of her previous deliveries.
Empowerment comes from knowing her options, and making those choices with confidence that it is the best decision at the time. Essentially,
empowerment is taking ownership of ones actions.
Healing comes from inward reflection, mentally and emotionally walking through the fire of confusion and fear and finding clarity. She recognizes that no matter what alternative choices she could have made in the past, she embraces the future with hope that things could be different for herself and others.
May 6, 2010
Wyatt Lee Hayden
Jan. 12, 2010 – May 4, 2010
ANDERSON, Ind. — Wyatt Lee Hayden, 16 weeks, went to be with Jesus on May 4, 2010.
He was born Jan. 12, 2010, in Muncie.
He is survived by his parents, Collin and Nichole (Adams) Hayden; sisters, Autumn and Avery Hayden; grandparents, Gary Adams, Jama Martin, Jeff Hayden and Holly Hayden; great-grandmother, Betty Becker; several aunts, uncles and cousins.
He was preceded in death by his infant brother, Arthur James Hayden, May 21, 2008.
Visitation will be from 10 to 11 a.m. Friday at Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson. Services will follow at 11 a.m. with the Rev. Gary Woodring officiating.
Memorial contributions may be made in his name in care of Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson, IN 46011 for a memorial.
Online condolences: www.loosefuneralhomes.com or www.theheraldbulletin.com.
I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind
And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you . . .
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true
I dream of Benjamin sometimes. Soon after his death I had a very healing dream where I was in a pretty cabin room with double doors that opened onto a patio. Gauzy white curtains blew with the wind and soft white sheets with fluffy pillows surrounded me on the bed. I was holding Benjamin and his eyes were open, he was alive! He heart beat within his chest and he breathed rhythmically. The midwife in my dream (different then my RL midwife) was there and a little confused why I thought that Benjamin had died.
I usually don’t remember my other Benjamin dreams when I wake, only that I had dreamed of him. This morning I had another dream, though. I did not realize I was dreaming, or it would have been very different. I had things I wanted to do, an agenda for the week. My mom was watching him, giving him a bottle. I kept thinking that it was ok, I would see him soon. I did see him for a brief moment here and there, and even nursed him, although I didn’t pay much attention to him. It was just something I did, not a precious experience between mother and son.
When I woke I mourned that I didn’t cherish the time I had with him. If only I had remembered that he was dead and I was dreaming and enjoyed him, instead of off doing my own thing. But isn’t that the way our lives often go? We are busy doing our own thing and although it may not mean leaving our children with someone else, we have our minds on the cooking and cleaning and other things…and neglect to cherish each moment with our loved ones because we think they will be there when we are ready. But then sometimes they aren’t…things have changed and they are gone and our lives are full of missed opportunities that can never be retrieved.
We are dreamers, always have been. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve been working on a book, a book without a name. Names are hard to decide on- you want something simple and self explanatory but memorable in a very nice way. She also doesn’t know that I have felt very strongly for years that I would be a public speaker. God has gifted me in this area, and I knew one day He would use it for His glory.
Well, my sister called me a little while ago with her dream from last night (which was Benjamin’s 9 month birthday.) I was standing on a stage speaking, and I had written a book. She remembers details, like my new hair cut, clothes and glasses. Beside me was a sign that had a pretty water color painting of a woman in a rockingchair looking through a window. The sign read “Loss and Gain: A Mother’s Story.” Sitting in front of her was a man (She didn’t notice if it was Paul) and our 4 girls (older) and a little girl about 4-5 and a little boy about 2-3. He had platinum blond hair and brown eyes (my husband did when he was young.) He wore long light blue shorts and a matching vest and white dress shirt.
So, now I have a title for my book. She said I can use it so here’s my official claim to it. Copyright 12/9/2009.
When I was pregnant with Benjamin I borrowed our local ICAN library’s“Birthing From Within.”It looked interesting, although I had never heard of it before. Actually, natural birth books were entirely new to me as I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant or had children when I got pregnant the first time and then went into labor at 26 weeks, again at 28 weeks, again at 30 weeks, and had a c-section at 32 weeks for fetal decels (and of course was railroaded into more c-sections later.)
For those of you who don’t know, it’s not just a book about natural birthing. It is more so a book about discovering one’s self, your inner most thoughts and feelings about birth. I found that largely, it was a therapeutic book on acknowledging one’s fears and pain from previous deliveries or other traumatic experiences and healing in those areas, so one can embrace a new pregnancy and delivery with fresh excitement and peace. A journey untainted by previous experiences, only aided by them.
I certainly found the book a healing BEGINNING. I was still planning my VBA4C and read so many other books as well and was really doing well emotionally/mentally. But then tragedy struck and I was once again in need of healing. I ordered Birthing From Within when I ordered some books for my girls on stillbirth. Then before I started it, my sister was faced with some pretty serious issues with her OB so I loaned her Birthing From Within in hopes that she would avoid a c-section with her third pregnancy. She gave it back to me last night and I skimmed the first chapter.
The first activity has you journal your thoughts on pregnancy and delivery. These were the first thoughts that came to me- Death. Pain. Empty Arms. Tears. Grief.
Wow. OK. So I guess it’s time to re-read it. Hopefully by the time I finish it (along with the journaling and other birth art that will come through reading it) my first thoughts will have transformed. Certainly I cannot be a doula/midwife while I have such feelings predominating my feelings of pregnancy and birth. It’s time for a rebirthing of myself, so when (if) I do have another baby it will come from a place of wholeness and light, as truly all births begin from within, wither one acknowledges it or not.
I went to my post surgical checkup today. Dr Zepeda once again said that my remaining fallopian tube and ovary looked great and my uterus healed very nicely from the rupture. He gave no concerns about another pregnancy. Paul asked about conception during chemo and he said that was just fine, although chemo may cause infertility, it will not cause birth defects in the baby! I know there’s a lot of men out there who are told to wait 2 years after chemo is OVER before trying to have another child. His oncologist ALSO said that chemo is not a concern to him during conception and my OB said he’s known that oncologist for 30 years, and he’s known to be the best in the field (which BTW my OB and our chiropractor are also well known and all three teach in medical schools.)
You could tell that Paul was very relieved, especially that my uterus looks great. There’s a lot of scar tissue around the bladder which is typical following multiple cesareans. I’ll have to remember discussing silicone film in the future to help prevent adhesions after another cesarean.
Ultimately I’m still praying that God heals me and I can have a natural delivery. I’m not sure that God will bless us with another baby, but if He does our youngest will be 3 1/2 or older. After having ‘stair step’ deliveries, that will be a very different experience!!
This has been such a hard year on all of us. I am just begging God for a fantastic 2010. We’ll see what happens.
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to
Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to
I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy yesterday. It wasn’t in my liver (thankfully, as I was fearing that) but in my right fallopian tube. It was the twin to the baby I miscarried several weeks ago. The Dr said that my other ovary and tube look wonderful, my rupture has healed well, although I have a lot of scarring where the bladder is.
My dr was completely shocked as well as the NP who did my earlier scans and the conferring OB. Everyone were totally blown away. I wasn’t, I’ve felt from the beginning I had twins and one was ectopic. They would have never caught this one but I have been terribly sick the last three weeks and have been pushing for answers to why I feel this way. I thought it was a concussion and went to the ER who released me because of a positive pregnancy test and no ultrasound. Two days later I had an ultrasound and more blood work. Nothing in the ultrasound, and blood work showed a decrease in HCG as I had expected since I had miscarried weeks earlier.
I called several times but they never got a message to the OB and A WEEK LATER my OB called very concerned about my blood work and wanted to see me ASAP in level 4 (?) ultrasound. They had no appointments available and said they could see me in a week. I insisted that it was imperative that I get seen sooner and they said I have an apt IN DECEMBER. So I finally had to settle for a week, which was Wed. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very concerned and didn’t say much but spent a long time doing the ultrasound. She told me
to go immediately to my DR office ( which was in the same department.)
I did and was told GO HOME. He will call me in a few days (like he did with my lab work??) I refused to go home. But he’s not here, he’ll be back in a few hours, it’s his surgery day. I insisted that they get someone to look at my ultrasound. I overheard them talking to the tech who was clearly worried and said she couldn’t see the baby. Since we weren’t looking for a baby specifically (the ultrasound order didn’t say why I was there) I knew that something was clearly wrong.
So they called my OB and read to him what the ultrasound tech wrote in the report, that there was a large mass near my right ovary. They didn’t tell me this, but came and told me that they read the report to the OB while he was in surgery and he told them to not let me leave. So I waited several hours and he came in with a conferring OB who reviewed my previous ultrasounds and records. They were astounded and as it was too late to get me into surgery scheduled me for first thing the next morning. (I left at 4:30 AM for the hospital.)
When they opened me up my tube began to rupture. I bled a lot. They almost had to give me a transfusion. My BP went very very low and my hemoglobin is low (I’m taking iron for it.)
I am so thankful that I hit my head and pursued the strange symptoms and pushed for the ultrasound and insisted on staying until someone looked at my ultrasound. Otherwise, I would have ruptured at home, 45 minutes from the nearest hospital and alone (my parents were going out of town and hubby works an hour away.) I could have died. But God is sovereign and merciful and He protected me from death.
Another set of twins with Jesus. I was thankful that there was no
heartbeat as I couldn’t make that decision to take the baby out, even if it threatened my life, if it meant directly killing the baby. It’s been several months that I felt strongly I would have an ectopic and had prayed fervently that if that were to happen that God would take the baby home to be with Him before the surgery. His peace was so strongly upon me as I was wheeled into surgery.
Today Paul has cried a lot. It’s very painful for him to cry since the chemotherapy causes tremendous pain to his face. But he is so very sad that our four living girls (ages 2,4,5,6) have experienced so much loss lately. We all are.
Sarah,mom to 4 girls on Earth Kailey Faith, Bethany Hope, Taryn Grace and Kaitlyn Joy and possibly 8 treasures in Heaven
missing Allanah Charity (Kailey’s twin lost at 9 weeks in 2002)
Thomas (Benjamin’s twin lost at 6 weeks in 2008)
Benjamin Isaiah stillborn at 40 weeks on March 8,2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 7 weeks October 7, 2009
Emma’s twin Elizabeth Shalom ectopic pregnancy removed Nov 12, 2009
three possible (unconfirmed) miscarriages in 2006-2009
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
My good friend and I are always pregnant together, except my #2 girl. She wasn’t pregnant then. But when she is pregnant, I am pregnant. She had three girls and I had four so we were praying for boys. BOTH needed to be boys. And sure enough, they were! But then Benjamin was stillborn and Jett was not. It was a close call for him, though. Homebirth, short chord wrapped tightly around his neck AND torso if I remember correctly. Very close call. They had to resuscitate him I think. But thankfully the midwife is very experienced and Jett did just fine.
I hadn’t seen him yet. Last week we met at the zoo. He looks just like his sisters, a little Ledman boy if you ever saw one. The stroller she used wasn’t working well for him and I offered that he could ride in mine since our 2 Yos were running around together. I couldn’t help but think that it was supposed to be Benjamin in that stroller. Our beautiful little girls running delightedly around the zoo and our sweet little boys being carried in slings or pushed in the strollers. As the girls ate next to the sea lions we would have nursed the babies. And yet Jett (thankfully) was here and Benjamin was not.
We were looking at the primates and my friend asked me if I was ok. Yes, I was. No, I wasn’t. How do you reply? I’m never completely ok.
The new stone paving leading into the zoo can be engraved (donations)and I had planned to do that with some of the money in his memorial fund. I couldn’t help but try to read all the ones that have been engraved, my eyes were glued to them on the way in and on the way out. You can get 1,2, or 4 engraved at I think $100 a brick. Man if I had $400 I take up a whole square!!
We haven’t ordered Benjamin’s headstone yet but it’s picked out. We need to decide what photo to use and what epitaph. I’ve had a hard time getting hubby to sit down and do it. Understandably, it’s a difficult thing to do for sure.
I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.
We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.
Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.
I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.
So, my births go in this fashion
Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks
Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)
Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)
unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004
Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)
Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)
unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008
Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later
Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day
unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009
Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.
Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)
I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.
The day before our scheduled cesarean our son, first grandson after 7 girls, was born still. I remember the ultrasound- the tech had a blank expression. I asked if he was alive, no reply. Is he ok, what’s wrong? You’d have to talk to the dr. I actually went into the c-section still not knowing if my baby was going to be ok. But he was still, and he had been moving frantically before (the reason I went to the hospital, that and a heartbeat deceleration.)
I woke from general anesthesia, and my husband handed me our son. He was so beautiful. A little prince. And not breathing.
I miss him.
My birthday will be on the sixth month anniversary of his death. I don’t think I will be doing much celebrating.
Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.
For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!
So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!
I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.
“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”
YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.
“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)
I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”
Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.
Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.
Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.
And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!
I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.
You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.
May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light
Right after I had Benjamin I had a WIC apt. There aren’t usually more then two babies there and not usually brand new ones. I wasn’t worried. But this time the room was PACKED with women ALL with BRAND NEW BABY BOYS!!! Most of them were teens, too. It was so hard. I was just a wreck. It took every bone in my body to not stand up and say “My baby just died. If any of you don’t want yours, I’d be happy to take him.” When the nutritionist found out that my baby had died she felt awful about the fourty minutes or more I was forced to sit with all those newborn boys. She offered me to stay in the back while they finished my stuff up.
I don’t hate pregnant women, but when they complain I want to shake them. No, I want to choke them. It infuriates me. When they talk about wanting the baby to be born NOW I tell them they should cherish EVERY MOMENT. Life is fragile. That’s all the time I had with Benjamin, when he was inside of me. I would do absolutely anything to have him inside me again. I want to run up to every pregnant woman and tell her “I know that you think one day soon you will have a little squirming baby in your arms. But that day may never come. You may never see a smiling face or open eyes. So enjoy each kick and each movement because it may be all that you have. DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Don’t think that just because you are past 12 weeks you aren’t likely to loose your baby. Don’t think that at 26 weeks you now have a viable baby. Don’t think at 36/37 weeks the baby wouldn’t be in the NICU. Because YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A LIVING, BREATHING BABY AT ALL! You may end up with an empty bed.
A friend of mine just had a baby two days ago. I went to see her. I needed to- she was attempting a home VBAC and lost heart tones and rushed to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. I know how she felt going through what she went through, especially how the hospital treated her. I went through it in March. I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though she still has her baby (praise God!) she still has some grieving to work through. This was her fourth c-section and although she would like more children, she is afraid of having more sections. I’ve had 5, I understand completely.
Anyway, I was glad she had a girl because it made it easier for me to be there for her. But this was the first time I had been in a hospital since Benjamin. I walked in and the smell…the hospital smell almost brought me to tears. When I passed by the nursery I stopped to look at the babies and they were wrapped up in the blanket the funeral home had used. I had asked them to remove the blanket and gave them something nicer. But seeing that blanket wrapped around those newborn babies took my breath away. A sob caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. I wanted to take the time to grieve, but I wanted to be strong for my friend too. I wondered what the nurses thought when they looked up and saw the stranger in the window wasn’t smiling but crying.
When I was in her room they brought the baby to her and LEFT HER AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. My friend couldn’t get her, and so I asked her if she’d like be to bring her. She did, and so for the first time since Benjamin, I held a baby. She had fat cheeks like Benjamin did. She was big, almost 9 pounds. He was almost 10 pounds. Of course I had to talk about him. I tried not to, because this is her day and I didn’t want to steal any joy she had. Another lady from our VBAC group came and you could tell whenever I mentioned Benjamin she tried to change the subject. She didn’t make eye contact with me, didn’t hug me, barely acknowledged me. I wanted to shout “I AM HERE! It’s OK to talk about my baby. I WANT to talk about my baby. ASK ME about him! Ask me if I have pictures, because I do! LOTS of pictures, always with me. He is my son. Please stop pretending that he doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, just not in my arms. Acknowledge him. I need you to acknowledge him, not push him out of thoughts and conversation. I can’t forget him, how can you?”
She said I can use it so here’s my official claim to it. Copyright 12/9/2009.
