It’s been a while

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I haven’t known how to blog about this. There’s so much joy, anxiety, concern, relief….what can I say, how can I adequately describe it?

Pregnancy after loss is a delicate topic. Those who have had losses but no subsequent living pregnancies (like me for the last three years) may feel jealous, angry, sad. Those who have not had a loss may not understand the significance of such a joyful and scary time. And then there are those who have so much internal conflict over what happened with my losses, and the fact that I nearly died twice, that they are, have been, or will be, upset about me being pregnant again.

And yet, here I am, already 17 weeks. We didn’t think it could happen. We had given up. Our youngest living child is now five years old! In fact, I’ve been giving my baby things away so others could use them. We are amazed, humbled, and sometimes scared out of our minds.

I will try to write more later about what it is like having a “rainbow baby.” What the term means, why it’s difficult to use, and what my delivery plans are. But I think I’ll leave this post as it stands.

Yes, I’m pregnant. We stand in awe.

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

“Always” lyrics

“I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taut and her eyes were filled and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, “He would have been three today. I miss his smile. I miss his face.”
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain
And his promise remains.
He will be with you always”

It’s already been three years. I never saw him smile, except in my dreams. It was only in a dream when I saw his eyes open, felt his chest move as he breathed. Some have told me “At least he didn’t die AFTER he was born” as though that is some consolation. As though it hurts my heart less. It doesn’t. I miss him, and I never really got to know him.

A dream

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I haven’t had a dream relating to child loss in a long time. At least, I don’t remember one. But this morning I did. Someone’s child had died and there was a memorial, sort of like Snow White, ya know? A glass box in a public place. The body was lightly covered in dirt, so that you could see the form of the child, a young girl, lying there. Beautiful white flowers that never died were scattered across the dirt and a few items in the memorial revealed who this little girl was.

The father was there, as well as another grieving father missing his little girl. They were angry. They began to fist fight, there in the square. One had a firefighter’s uniform, the other wore a police uniform. They rolled up their sleeves and were at it. I thought that was a good thing, to get all that anger out on each other. As men seem to do…that physical impact that seems to do something for the soul, a release.

In the center of the square was a beautiful fountain, the kind that was ground level, that children could play in. This was also a memorial, for the other little girl who had died. I went to the fountain and kneeled down and saw blood, knowing that is where she was buried. I heard a voice, a child singing, and then saw her face, an image in the red water bubbling up. Instinctually, I kneeled and laid belly down in the fountain, my womb on top of her image. As though she was reincarnated, taking life from my womb, she was now standing next to me, alive and whole. It was amazing. And I didn’t want to give her up. She was naked, this new life who was not an infant. I rubbed my swollen belly, sorry that for some reason I didn’t get to enjoy the experience of pregnancy with her. My bare breast nourished her, though, and I was content in that.

What a weird dream. Disturbing, and yet beautiful too.

It feels like Yesterday

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It feels like yesterday….when my little boy’s heart stopped beating.

It feels like yesterday….when I recieved his beautiful burial gown in the mail. I felt it ironic, that it looked so much like a christening gown. We would not be standing to
dedicate him before the church, instead he would be put in the ground, before the same congregation.

It feels like only yesterday….when my husband and I knelt on his fresh grave, alone, weeping that we didn’t have more time with him and that little time we did have was stolen. My mom, watching the children, had no idea we stopped at the cemetery, and we had to hurry. She hurried us off at the funeral, too, insisting we HAD to leave immediately following the ceremony, so we could greet our guests back at the house. You can’t hurry grief.

It feels like only yesterday….that I painfully packed away his clothes, amazed that it had already been six months since we buried him.

And, it feels like yesterday…when we went to the cemetery with 6 baby blue balloons with notes written on them, “Letters to Benjamin.” We released them into the sky, missing him on the 1 year anniversary of his leaving us.

It feels like just yesterday, and yet March 8 will be two years since his Heavenly Birthday. While it’s only October, I realize with sadness that it feels like only tomorrow, when we will be back at the cemetery with balloons, yet again.

National Pregnancy and Infant loss Rememberance Day

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God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what’s been done,
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Glory Baby

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Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

healing and empowerment

Posted by: Sarah Trost in childbirth, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Back in November I was suffering the loss of my much desired set of twins. I discovered that for me, pregnancy and birth brought the words death, pain, tears, empty arms, grief, as I posted here.

Well, I am very pleased to say that is no longer the case! There has definitely been a lot of healing in my heart since then.

A woman does not need a beautiful waterbirth to feel empowered, nor a VBAC to find healing from the trauma of her previous deliveries.

Empowerment comes from knowing her options, and making those choices with confidence that it is the best decision at the time. Essentially,
empowerment is taking ownership of ones actions.

Healing comes from inward reflection, mentally and emotionally walking through the fire of confusion and fear and finding clarity. She recognizes that no matter what alternative choices she could have made in the past, she embraces the future with hope that things could be different for herself and others.

Another loss among my rupture group

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May 6, 2010
Wyatt Lee Hayden
Jan. 12, 2010 – May 4, 2010

ANDERSON, Ind. — Wyatt Lee Hayden, 16 weeks, went to be with Jesus on May 4, 2010.

He was born Jan. 12, 2010, in Muncie.

He is survived by his parents, Collin and Nichole (Adams) Hayden; sisters, Autumn and Avery Hayden; grandparents, Gary Adams, Jama Martin, Jeff Hayden and Holly Hayden; great-grandmother, Betty Becker; several aunts, uncles and cousins.

He was preceded in death by his infant brother, Arthur James Hayden, May 21, 2008.

Visitation will be from 10 to 11 a.m. Friday at Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson. Services will follow at 11 a.m. with the Rev. Gary Woodring officiating.

Memorial contributions may be made in his name in care of Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson, IN 46011 for a memorial.

Online condolences: www.loosefuneralhomes.com or www.theheraldbulletin.com.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

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STILL

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »
www.ourstage.com

STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you . . .

Time is short

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

I dream of Benjamin sometimes.  Soon after his death I had a very healing dream where I was in a pretty cabin room with double doors that opened onto a patio.  Gauzy white curtains blew with the wind and soft white sheets with fluffy pillows surrounded me on the bed.  I was holding Benjamin and his eyes were open, he was alive!  He heart beat within his chest and he breathed rhythmically.  The midwife in my dream (different then my RL midwife) was there and a little confused why I thought that Benjamin had died.

I usually don’t remember my other Benjamin dreams when I wake, only that I had dreamed of him.  This morning I had another dream, though.  I did not realize I was dreaming, or it would have been very different.  I had things I wanted to do, an agenda for the week.  My mom was watching him, giving him a bottle.  I kept thinking that it was ok, I would see him soon.  I did see him for a brief moment here and there, and even nursed him, although I didn’t pay much attention to him.  It was just something I did, not a precious experience between mother and son.

When I woke I mourned that I didn’t cherish the time I had with him.  If only I had remembered that he was dead and I was dreaming and enjoyed him, instead of off doing my own thing.  But isn’t that the way our lives often go?  We are busy doing our own thing and although it may not mean leaving our children with someone else, we have our minds on the cooking and cleaning and other things…and neglect to cherish each moment with our loved ones because we think they will be there when we are ready.  But then sometimes they aren’t…things have changed and they are gone and our lives are full of missed opportunities that can never be retrieved.

“The Days we are given are gifts from above,today we  remember to live and to love…” Superchick.

My sister’s dream

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

We are dreamers, always have been. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve been working on a book, a book without a name. Names are hard to decide on- you want something simple and self explanatory but memorable in a very nice way. She also doesn’t know that I have felt very strongly for years that I would be a public speaker. God has gifted me in this area, and I knew one day He would use it for His glory.

Well, my sister called me a little while ago with her dream from last night (which was Benjamin’s 9 month birthday.) I was standing on a stage speaking, and I had written a book. She remembers details, like my new hair cut, clothes and glasses. Beside me was a sign that had a pretty water color painting of a woman in a rockingchair looking through a window. The sign read “Loss and Gain: A Mother’s Story.”  Sitting in front of her was a man (She didn’t notice if it was Paul) and our 4 girls (older) and a little girl about 4-5 and a little boy about 2-3.  He had platinum blond hair and brown eyes (my husband did when he was young.) He wore long light blue shorts and a matching vest and white dress shirt.

So, now I have a title for my book.  🙂  She said I can use it so here’s my official claim to it.  Copyright 12/9/2009.

Birthing From Within

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, book reviews, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss 1 Comment »

When I was pregnant with Benjamin I borrowed our local ICAN library’s “Birthing From Within.” It looked interesting, although I had never heard of it before. Actually, natural birth books were entirely new to me as I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant or had children when I got pregnant the first time and then went into labor at 26 weeks, again at 28 weeks, again at 30 weeks, and had a c-section at 32 weeks for fetal decels (and of course was railroaded into more c-sections later.)

For those of you who don’t know, it’s not just a book about natural birthing. It is more so a book about discovering one’s self, your inner most thoughts and feelings about birth. I found that largely, it was a therapeutic book on acknowledging one’s fears and pain from previous deliveries or other traumatic experiences and healing in those areas, so one can embrace a new pregnancy and delivery with fresh excitement and peace. A journey untainted by previous experiences, only aided by them.

I certainly found the book a healing BEGINNING. I was still planning my VBA4C and read so many other books as well and was really doing well emotionally/mentally. But then tragedy struck and I was once again in need of healing. I ordered Birthing From Within when I ordered some books for my girls on stillbirth. Then before I started it, my sister was faced with some pretty serious issues with her OB so I loaned her Birthing From Within in hopes that she would avoid a c-section with her third pregnancy. She gave it back to me last night and I skimmed the first chapter.

The first activity has you journal your thoughts on pregnancy and delivery. These were the first thoughts that came to me- Death. Pain. Empty Arms. Tears. Grief.

Wow. OK. So I guess it’s time to re-read it. Hopefully by the time I finish it (along with the journaling and other birth art that will come through reading it) my first thoughts will have transformed. Certainly I cannot be a doula/midwife while I have such feelings predominating my feelings of pregnancy and birth. It’s time for a rebirthing of myself, so when (if) I do have another baby it will come from a place of wholeness and light, as truly all births begin from within, wither one acknowledges it or not.

Thank God for my DR

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I went to my post surgical checkup today. Dr Zepeda once again said that my remaining fallopian tube and ovary looked great and my uterus healed very nicely from the rupture. He gave no concerns about another pregnancy. Paul asked about conception during chemo and he said that was just fine, although chemo may cause infertility, it will not cause birth defects in the baby! I know there’s a lot of men out there who are told to wait 2 years after chemo is OVER before trying to have another child. His oncologist ALSO said that chemo is not a concern to him during conception and my OB said he’s known that oncologist for 30 years, and he’s known to be the best in the field (which BTW my OB and our chiropractor are also well known and all three teach in medical schools.)

You could tell that Paul was very relieved, especially that my uterus looks great. There’s a lot of scar tissue around the bladder which is typical following multiple cesareans. I’ll have to remember discussing silicone film in the future to help prevent adhesions after another cesarean.

Ultimately I’m still praying that God heals me and I can have a natural delivery. I’m not sure that God will bless us with another baby, but if He does our youngest will be 3 1/2 or older. After having ‘stair step’ deliveries, that will be a very different experience!!

This has been such a hard year on all of us. I am just begging God for a fantastic 2010. We’ll see what happens.

If you Want me To

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


Yet another loss

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy yesterday. It wasn’t in my liver (thankfully, as I was fearing that) but in my right fallopian tube. It was the twin to the baby I miscarried several weeks ago. The Dr said that my other ovary and tube look wonderful, my rupture has healed well, although I have a lot of scarring where the bladder is.

My dr was completely shocked as well as the NP who did my earlier scans and the conferring OB. Everyone were totally blown away. I wasn’t, I’ve felt from the beginning I had twins and one was ectopic. They would have never caught this one but I have been terribly sick the last three weeks and have been pushing for answers to why I feel this way. I thought it was a concussion and went to the ER who released me because of a positive pregnancy test and no ultrasound. Two days later I had an ultrasound and more blood work. Nothing in the ultrasound, and blood work showed a decrease in HCG as I had expected since I had miscarried weeks earlier.

I called several times but they never got a message to the OB and A WEEK LATER my OB called very concerned about my blood work and wanted to see me ASAP in level 4 (?) ultrasound. They had no appointments available and said they could see me in a week. I insisted that it was imperative that I get seen sooner and they said I have an apt IN DECEMBER. So I finally had to settle for a week, which was Wed. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very concerned and didn’t say much but spent a long time doing the ultrasound. She told me
to go immediately to my DR office ( which was in the same department.)

I did and was told GO HOME. He will call me in a few days (like he did with my lab work??) I refused to go home. But he’s not here, he’ll be back in a few hours, it’s his surgery day. I insisted that they get someone to look at my ultrasound. I overheard them talking to the tech who was clearly worried and said she couldn’t see the baby. Since we weren’t looking for a baby specifically (the ultrasound order didn’t say why I was there) I knew that something was clearly wrong.

So they called my OB and read to him what the ultrasound tech wrote in the report, that there was a large mass near my right ovary. They didn’t tell me this, but came and told me that they read the report to the OB while he was in surgery and he told them to not let me leave. So I waited several hours and he came in with a conferring OB who reviewed my previous ultrasounds and records. They were astounded and as it was too late to get me into surgery scheduled me for first thing the next morning. (I left at 4:30 AM for the hospital.)

When they opened me up my tube began to rupture. I bled a lot. They almost had to give me a transfusion. My BP went very very low and my hemoglobin is low (I’m taking iron for it.)

I am so thankful that I hit my head and pursued the strange symptoms and pushed for the ultrasound and insisted on staying until someone looked at my ultrasound. Otherwise, I would have ruptured at home, 45 minutes from the nearest hospital and alone (my parents were going out of town and hubby works an hour away.) I could have died. But God is sovereign and merciful and He protected me from death.

Another set of twins with Jesus. I was thankful that there was no
heartbeat as I couldn’t make that decision to take the baby out, even if it threatened my life, if it meant directly killing the baby. It’s been several months that I felt strongly I would have an ectopic and had prayed fervently that if that were to happen that God would take the baby home to be with Him before the surgery. His peace was so strongly upon me as I was wheeled into surgery.

Today Paul has cried a lot. It’s very painful for him to cry since the chemotherapy causes tremendous pain to his face. But he is so very sad that our four living girls (ages 2,4,5,6) have experienced so much loss lately. We all are.

Sarah,mom to 4 girls on Earth Kailey Faith, Bethany Hope, Taryn Grace and Kaitlyn Joy and possibly 8 treasures in Heaven

missing Allanah Charity (Kailey’s twin lost at 9 weeks in 2002)
Thomas (Benjamin’s twin lost at 6 weeks in 2008)
Benjamin Isaiah stillborn at 40 weeks on March 8,2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 7 weeks October 7, 2009
Emma’s twin Elizabeth Shalom ectopic pregnancy removed Nov 12, 2009
three possible (unconfirmed) miscarriages in 2006-2009

Held

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

At the Zoo

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

photo_116_20080825

My good friend and I are always pregnant together, except my #2 girl. She wasn’t pregnant then. But when she is pregnant, I am pregnant. She had three girls and I had four so we were praying for boys. BOTH needed to be boys. And sure enough, they were! But then Benjamin was stillborn and Jett was not. It was a close call for him, though. Homebirth, short chord wrapped tightly around his neck AND torso if I remember correctly. Very close call. They had to resuscitate him I think. But thankfully the midwife is very experienced and Jett did just fine.

I hadn’t seen him yet. Last week we met at the zoo. He looks just like his sisters, a little Ledman boy if you ever saw one. The stroller she used wasn’t working well for him and I offered that he could ride in mine since our 2 Yos were running around together. I couldn’t help but think that it was supposed to be Benjamin in that stroller. Our beautiful little girls running delightedly around the zoo and our sweet little boys being carried in slings or pushed in the strollers. As the girls ate next to the sea lions we would have nursed the babies. And yet Jett (thankfully) was here and Benjamin was not.

We were looking at the primates and my friend asked me if I was ok.  Yes, I was.  No, I wasn’t.  How do you reply?  I’m never completely ok.

The new stone paving leading into the zoo can be engraved (donations)and I had planned to do that with some of the money in his memorial fund. I couldn’t help but try to read all the ones that have been engraved, my eyes were glued to them on the way in and on the way out. You can get 1,2, or 4 engraved at I think $100 a brick. Man if I had $400 I take up a whole square!!

We haven’t ordered Benjamin’s headstone yet but it’s picked out. We need to decide what photo to use and what epitaph. I’ve had a hard time getting hubby to sit down and do it. Understandably, it’s a difficult thing to do for sure.

I think we’ll go to the cemetery today.

It is well with my soul

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »


I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven. 🙂

baby? no baby?

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.

Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)

I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.

My God is might to save. amen?!