Ugh….not again

Posted by: Sarah Trost in cancer, health No Comments »

A little background, with links to the blog posts in the highlighted phrases. On Sept 2, 2009, just a few months after our son died, Paul had a colonoscopy looking for the cause of his mysterious ongoing symptoms he had for about 10 months.  Although the biopsy came back negative, we were pretty sure it was cancer.  On Sept 16 I announced my pregnancy as well as updated the results of Paul’s surgery. In October I began to miscarry.

There is a serious lack of info about what those months were like during chemo.  Perhaps because I didn’t have the physical or emotional energy to write about it. On November 14 I posted about my ectopic twin and emergency delivery.  Chemo was hell, and that post gave a little information about the affects of chemo.  It was three hours a day, three days a week, and he came home with the pump hooked up.  It was hard for him to sleep.  Eating helped his nausea but he was very picky about what he would eat because a lot of stuff tasted terrible.  Cold things were painful, he needed warmed water/tea and couldn’t eat fresh fruits and veggies because of their temperature.  After 7  months he was joyfully finished and scans showed no cancer.  He was declared in remission in 2011 I believe.

It is now April, 2012.  Paul has had 7 months or so of ongoing and increasing issues in the area where they removed the tumor.  He had a PET scan which confirmed that the tumor is there and growing.  The chemo didn’t work.  They have not done a biopsy but it doesn’t take a biopsy to know that he has cancer. The prognosis is not good.  They don’t seem to know what to do. He seems depressed, angry, upset, and hopeless.  I think those are all very normal feelings.  I just don’t know what to say to make it better, because really NOTHING will make it better.

And how am I feeling?  I wrote this to a bunch of doulas.  I’m sorry about the type, I’m having trouble enlarging it.

“I just want to take a moment right here to scream and stomp and yell and throw virtual breakables and let them shatter all over the virtual floor. I have had ENOUGH! This is ridiculous. Many have experienced rape (some multiple times) and many have had the loss of a child (or children) and some have had birth trauma (perhaps more then once) and perhaps PTSD, infertility, and many have lost a parent or grandparent to cancer and some have had a spouse with cancer (perhaps several times) but SERIOUSLY? Come on. Does one person really have to go through ALL of it? “This will make you a stronger person” “you will have more empathy” blah blah blah. I’m already strong, I have plenty of empathy, I don’t need MORE crap to make me a better person. ENOUGH ALREADY.”