Welcome to my microcosm

If your children attend public school, you are among those parents whose rights will end the moment your child enters the school. That’s because in 2005 the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals found in Fields v. Palmdale School District “that the Meyer-Pierce right [of parents to direct the upbringing of their children] does not exist beyond the threshold of the school door.”

You read that right. Parental Rights “[do] not exist beyond the threshold of the school door.”

“We conclude that the parents are possessed of no constitutional right to prevent the public schools from providing information on the subject [of sexuality] to their students in any forum or manner they select” (emphasis added).

Of course, most parents contend they don’t have a choice in where their children are schooled. Either economic constraints or personal circumstances leave them with no practical alternative to the local public school. And that leaves no parental rights at all.

Please act to reverse this assault by big government courts against parental rights. Sign the petition and get more information at ParentalRights.org.

I’ve been going to the YMCA for about 6 months now.  I feel much healthier and more fit and LOVE it.  I’m up to lifting around 35,000 pounds per workout and 75 minutes of cardio.

My 7 year old still hasn’t gotten it yet, though.  Even after six months…yesterday as we left the gym Kailey asked “So mommy, how much weight did you loose this time?”

“I didn’t loose any, Kailey, it doesn’t happen that fast.”

“Oh, so I guess you didn’t weigh yourself, then?”

haha, oh sweet naive children.  If only the YMCA really WAS a miracle gym!!

My girls always make the funniest faces (unintentionally) in their
photographs. I’ve tried having them practice in front of a mirror and it just
doesn’t work. So now this is what I do:

I tell them to close their eyes. When their face looks calm and relaxed I tell
them to think of (an ice cream sunday, their favorite video game, whatever you
can think of that will bring a smile to their faces.) When I see that natural
smile I get ready to snap the picture and then I tell them to open their eyes.
Perfect picture almost every time!

My girls have added a few verses to the song Old McDonald you probably haven’t heard before, and I blogged about them previously.  Well, here’s a new one! Background on it- one of the chemo side effects is diarrhea and gas, so consider yourself forewarned!

Old McDonld had a farm E I E I O.  And on his farm he had a Daddy.  E I E I O.  With a fart fart here and a fart fart there, here a fart, there a fart, everywhere a fart fart.  Old McDonald had a farm E I E I O.

As many of you may know, they have been working on updating the DSM-IV, and had talked of putting Asperger Syndrome and PDD under the ASD umbrella diagnosis. Well, that had a good possibility of helping more aspies and those diagnosed with PDD, although perhaps confusing the lay people who really don’t know much about ASDs.

They are definitely doing such, but I’m now afraid that the change is actually going to hurt those with AS and PDD and perhaps even those who have classic ASD tremendously. The reason is because the diagnostic criteria is possibly being narrowed so much that the number of those diagnosed in the future will be much fewer and those currently diagnosed may loose their diagnosis. Fewer diagnosed means fewer will receive help that they may desperately need in school, with health and psychiatric care, and other services provided through private and state programs.

In the DSM-IV the diagnostic criteria for AS currently says

Asperger’s Disorder

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction

(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level

(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)

(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus

(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)

(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

The new proposed revision/criteria for DSM-V will say

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Must meet criteria 1, 2, and 3:

1. Clinically significant, persistent deficits in social communication and interactions, as manifest by all of the following:

a. Marked deficits in nonverbal and verbal communication used for social interaction: (and what determines that something IS a ‘marked deficit?” People can be very flexible and learn, even those on the autism spectrum.)

b. Lack of social reciprocity; (so, if you can take turns in a game or conversation, you aren’t autistic?)

c. Failure to develop and maintain peer relationships appropriate to developmental level (does that mean that if you have a friend you aren’t autistic?)

2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least TWO of the following:

a. Stereotyped motor or verbal behaviors, or unusual sensory behaviors

b. Excessive adherence to routines and ritualized patterns of behavior

c. Restricted, fixated interests
3. Symptoms must be present in early childhood (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities)

Condensing the criteria may make things simpler, but it certainly excludes many who are on the spectrum. This is horrible! Something should be done! And something can be done, they are asking for comments on the proposals. I know of no other time when health care professionals have actually asked for the public to give such input, so I’m hoping that people will do so in the droves.

If you have the time and inclination, please do say that while including AS and PDD under ASDs, limiting the diagnostic criteria so severely will seriously harm those on the spectrum who may be undiagnosed and possibly even those who have already been diagnosed and limit the amount of help they will receive. You will need to register but it was simple and then you can comment here

I dream of Benjamin sometimes.  Soon after his death I had a very healing dream where I was in a pretty cabin room with double doors that opened onto a patio.  Gauzy white curtains blew with the wind and soft white sheets with fluffy pillows surrounded me on the bed.  I was holding Benjamin and his eyes were open, he was alive!  He heart beat within his chest and he breathed rhythmically.  The midwife in my dream (different then my RL midwife) was there and a little confused why I thought that Benjamin had died.

I usually don’t remember my other Benjamin dreams when I wake, only that I had dreamed of him.  This morning I had another dream, though.  I did not realize I was dreaming, or it would have been very different.  I had things I wanted to do, an agenda for the week.  My mom was watching him, giving him a bottle.  I kept thinking that it was ok, I would see him soon.  I did see him for a brief moment here and there, and even nursed him, although I didn’t pay much attention to him.  It was just something I did, not a precious experience between mother and son.

When I woke I mourned that I didn’t cherish the time I had with him.  If only I had remembered that he was dead and I was dreaming and enjoyed him, instead of off doing my own thing.  But isn’t that the way our lives often go?  We are busy doing our own thing and although it may not mean leaving our children with someone else, we have our minds on the cooking and cleaning and other things…and neglect to cherish each moment with our loved ones because we think they will be there when we are ready.  But then sometimes they aren’t…things have changed and they are gone and our lives are full of missed opportunities that can never be retrieved.

“The Days we are given are gifts from above,today we  remember to live and to love…” Superchick.

When I was pregnant with Benjamin I borrowed our local ICAN library’s “Birthing From Within.” It looked interesting, although I had never heard of it before. Actually, natural birth books were entirely new to me as I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant or had children when I got pregnant the first time and then went into labor at 26 weeks, again at 28 weeks, again at 30 weeks, and had a c-section at 32 weeks for fetal decels (and of course was railroaded into more c-sections later.)

For those of you who don’t know, it’s not just a book about natural birthing. It is more so a book about discovering one’s self, your inner most thoughts and feelings about birth. I found that largely, it was a therapeutic book on acknowledging one’s fears and pain from previous deliveries or other traumatic experiences and healing in those areas, so one can embrace a new pregnancy and delivery with fresh excitement and peace. A journey untainted by previous experiences, only aided by them.

I certainly found the book a healing BEGINNING. I was still planning my VBA4C and read so many other books as well and was really doing well emotionally/mentally. But then tragedy struck and I was once again in need of healing. I ordered Birthing From Within when I ordered some books for my girls on stillbirth. Then before I started it, my sister was faced with some pretty serious issues with her OB so I loaned her Birthing From Within in hopes that she would avoid a c-section with her third pregnancy. She gave it back to me last night and I skimmed the first chapter.

The first activity has you journal your thoughts on pregnancy and delivery. These were the first thoughts that came to me- Death. Pain. Empty Arms. Tears. Grief.

Wow. OK. So I guess it’s time to re-read it. Hopefully by the time I finish it (along with the journaling and other birth art that will come through reading it) my first thoughts will have transformed. Certainly I cannot be a doula/midwife while I have such feelings predominating my feelings of pregnancy and birth. It’s time for a rebirthing of myself, so when (if) I do have another baby it will come from a place of wholeness and light, as truly all births begin from within, wither one acknowledges it or not.

I went to my post surgical checkup today. Dr Zepeda once again said that my remaining fallopian tube and ovary looked great and my uterus healed very nicely from the rupture. He gave no concerns about another pregnancy. Paul asked about conception during chemo and he said that was just fine, although chemo may cause infertility, it will not cause birth defects in the baby! I know there’s a lot of men out there who are told to wait 2 years after chemo is OVER before trying to have another child. His oncologist ALSO said that chemo is not a concern to him during conception and my OB said he’s known that oncologist for 30 years, and he’s known to be the best in the field (which BTW my OB and our chiropractor are also well known and all three teach in medical schools.)

You could tell that Paul was very relieved, especially that my uterus looks great. There’s a lot of scar tissue around the bladder which is typical following multiple cesareans. I’ll have to remember discussing silicone film in the future to help prevent adhesions after another cesarean.

Ultimately I’m still praying that God heals me and I can have a natural delivery. I’m not sure that God will bless us with another baby, but if He does our youngest will be 3 1/2 or older. After having ‘stair step’ deliveries, that will be a very different experience!!

This has been such a hard year on all of us. I am just begging God for a fantastic 2010. We’ll see what happens.

I won’t fake it.  It’s not easy being a mom who is also autistic.  It’s even harder being a mom who is autistic and raising children who are on the autism spectrum.  Add to that a mom who is autistic, married to a man with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, raising children on the autism spectrum, while undergoing miscarriages and surgeries.

Yet, I find joy in serving my family.  Not always.  I do grumble occasionally.  But I love my family immesly.

I realize that my husband would likely do better with a wife that is more self sufficient.  After all, I can’t seem to remember to brush my teeth or take my vitamins without his pokes.   But he loves me and doesn’t seem to mind (most of the time) helping me in my disabilities.  His feelings aren’t hurt when I tell him I can’t handle being touched that day.  He notices when I am overwhelmed and need some time in a quiet space (who doesn’t need that, even without a disability!)

I so desire the ability to give him a perfectly orderly and quiet environment where he can recover and heal.  I’m sure he desires that as well, yet, he recognizes that I have some limitations.

Not only do I feel that I fail my husband in certain areas, but I think I fail my children.  I can’t seem to find a way to rally them up and get them to joyfully and willingly obey.

Still, I am pleased with God’s direction and immeasurable strength and peace He has provided me.  Not that I always illuminate with peace, mind you, but it is there for the taking.

For instance, God directed us towards the gluten free diet.  Our lives are completely different thanks to this ‘simple’ change in diet!  I find that tea has helped give me some calm during the crazy parts of the day like after lunch and dinner, and seems to be helping Paul as well.  Most of all, a grasp of God’s sovereignty carries us through any trial that comes our way.  Again, not that we always react in faith!  But God is unboundingly merciful to us in such times of distress.  Ultimately, we have peace in the midst of a raging storm.

I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy yesterday. It wasn’t in my liver (thankfully, as I was fearing that) but in my right fallopian tube. It was the twin to the baby I miscarried several weeks ago. The Dr said that my other ovary and tube look wonderful, my rupture has healed well, although I have a lot of scarring where the bladder is.

My dr was completely shocked as well as the NP who did my earlier scans and the conferring OB. Everyone were totally blown away. I wasn’t, I’ve felt from the beginning I had twins and one was ectopic. They would have never caught this one but I have been terribly sick the last three weeks and have been pushing for answers to why I feel this way. I thought it was a concussion and went to the ER who released me because of a positive pregnancy test and no ultrasound. Two days later I had an ultrasound and more blood work. Nothing in the ultrasound, and blood work showed a decrease in HCG as I had expected since I had miscarried weeks earlier.

I called several times but they never got a message to the OB and A WEEK LATER my OB called very concerned about my blood work and wanted to see me ASAP in level 4 (?) ultrasound. They had no appointments available and said they could see me in a week. I insisted that it was imperative that I get seen sooner and they said I have an apt IN DECEMBER. So I finally had to settle for a week, which was Wed. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very concerned and didn’t say much but spent a long time doing the ultrasound. She told me
to go immediately to my DR office ( which was in the same department.)

I did and was told GO HOME. He will call me in a few days (like he did with my lab work??) I refused to go home. But he’s not here, he’ll be back in a few hours, it’s his surgery day. I insisted that they get someone to look at my ultrasound. I overheard them talking to the tech who was clearly worried and said she couldn’t see the baby. Since we weren’t looking for a baby specifically (the ultrasound order didn’t say why I was there) I knew that something was clearly wrong.

So they called my OB and read to him what the ultrasound tech wrote in the report, that there was a large mass near my right ovary. They didn’t tell me this, but came and told me that they read the report to the OB while he was in surgery and he told them to not let me leave. So I waited several hours and he came in with a conferring OB who reviewed my previous ultrasounds and records. They were astounded and as it was too late to get me into surgery scheduled me for first thing the next morning. (I left at 4:30 AM for the hospital.)

When they opened me up my tube began to rupture. I bled a lot. They almost had to give me a transfusion. My BP went very very low and my hemoglobin is low (I’m taking iron for it.)

I am so thankful that I hit my head and pursued the strange symptoms and pushed for the ultrasound and insisted on staying until someone looked at my ultrasound. Otherwise, I would have ruptured at home, 45 minutes from the nearest hospital and alone (my parents were going out of town and hubby works an hour away.) I could have died. But God is sovereign and merciful and He protected me from death.

Another set of twins with Jesus. I was thankful that there was no
heartbeat as I couldn’t make that decision to take the baby out, even if it threatened my life, if it meant directly killing the baby. It’s been several months that I felt strongly I would have an ectopic and had prayed fervently that if that were to happen that God would take the baby home to be with Him before the surgery. His peace was so strongly upon me as I was wheeled into surgery.

Today Paul has cried a lot. It’s very painful for him to cry since the chemotherapy causes tremendous pain to his face. But he is so very sad that our four living girls (ages 2,4,5,6) have experienced so much loss lately. We all are.

Sarah,mom to 4 girls on Earth Kailey Faith, Bethany Hope, Taryn Grace and Kaitlyn Joy and possibly 8 treasures in Heaven

missing Allanah Charity (Kailey’s twin lost at 9 weeks in 2002)
Thomas (Benjamin’s twin lost at 6 weeks in 2008)
Benjamin Isaiah stillborn at 40 weeks on March 8,2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 7 weeks October 7, 2009
Emma’s twin Elizabeth Shalom ectopic pregnancy removed Nov 12, 2009
three possible (unconfirmed) miscarriages in 2006-2009

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

My good friend and I are always pregnant together, except my #2 girl. She wasn’t pregnant then. But when she is pregnant, I am pregnant. She had three girls and I had four so we were praying for boys. BOTH needed to be boys. And sure enough, they were! But then Benjamin was stillborn and Jett was not. It was a close call for him, though. Homebirth, short chord wrapped tightly around his neck AND torso if I remember correctly. Very close call. They had to resuscitate him I think. But thankfully the midwife is very experienced and Jett did just fine.

I hadn’t seen him yet. Last week we met at the zoo. He looks just like his sisters, a little Ledman boy if you ever saw one. The stroller she used wasn’t working well for him and I offered that he could ride in mine since our 2 Yos were running around together. I couldn’t help but think that it was supposed to be Benjamin in that stroller. Our beautiful little girls running delightedly around the zoo and our sweet little boys being carried in slings or pushed in the strollers. As the girls ate next to the sea lions we would have nursed the babies. And yet Jett (thankfully) was here and Benjamin was not.

We were looking at the primates and my friend asked me if I was ok.  Yes, I was.  No, I wasn’t.  How do you reply?  I’m never completely ok.

The new stone paving leading into the zoo can be engraved (donations)and I had planned to do that with some of the money in his memorial fund. I couldn’t help but try to read all the ones that have been engraved, my eyes were glued to them on the way in and on the way out. You can get 1,2, or 4 engraved at I think $100 a brick. Man if I had $400 I take up a whole square!!

We haven’t ordered Benjamin’s headstone yet but it’s picked out. We need to decide what photo to use and what epitaph. I’ve had a hard time getting hubby to sit down and do it. Understandably, it’s a difficult thing to do for sure.

I think we’ll go to the cemetery today.

I was reading an interesting thread in a friend of mine’s journal on this topic. He was describing a systematic view of his own morality, how he lives his life and weighs good from bad (well, that’s an overly simplistic view of it but you get the idea.) A reader replied that she finds most people cannot express what they believe, probably because they’ve never really thought about it. When they get upset at ‘opposing’ viewpoints they really speak from their emotions and not from their researched or truly thoughtful beliefs. This led me to reply:

yes, I would agree with your experience with others and their concept of their own beliefs (or lack thereof.) It reminds me of an experience in college (several actually but one in particular stands out.)

I raised my hand and responded to the professor’s statement “By that train of thought, Satan and man are greater and more powerful then God.” Since it was a Bible college murmurs erupted and my classmates became quite upset. Prof considered it for a moment and said “Yes, you are correct.” The protests grew louder and he explained why his (and most of the students there) theology, if considered purely logically, would (should) lead to the belief that people and Satan are greater then God.

Of course because they believed A but not B their emotions clouded their logic (or maybe they lacked it entirely.) They were completely unable to explore what A meant to B and have a rational discussion on it. Students actually WALKED OUT!!

BTW, despite my unwillingness to swallow everything as taught, my professors thoroughly enjoyed having me in their classes. Apparently they valued students who thought for themselves and I chose to base my beliefs on logic and Scriptural exegesis rather then deciding what I believed FIRST and THEN looked for Scripture to back up my claims.

I sum up my beliefs regarding how to live in this world in one word- respect. I was trying to simplify our house rules and realized that I teach my girls so much that perhaps it was hard for them to remember absolutely ever rule I have thrown out there. So I told them that if they lacked respect for their possessions, siblings, parents, pet, ect then it would break a rule. If they jump on the sofa then they have no respect for the sofa. If they draw on the walls they disrespect the walls (or the parents who have to clean up the mess.) Respect is key to living rightly towards those around us. If we sin against God, then we are also not showing respect to God. This is of course overly simplistic when laying our your beliefs, but works wonderfully in child training.

I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven.

Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.

Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)

I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.

My God is might to save. amen?!

The other day I listened to the girls in their usual round of “Old McDonald Has a Farm.” After all the animals had been named, the next line they sang was “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had lots of poop, E I E I O. With Lots of poop here, and lots of poop there. Here lots of poop, there lots of poop, everywhere lots of poop. Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

Oh my, well with all those animals surely there was lots of poop, right? hehe

Then they followed it with “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had a wife, E I E I O. With a “Get to work here” and a “Get to work there” here a “get to work” there a “get to work” everywhere a “get to work.” Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

I was laughing before, but that was just hysterical!

“Well, it’s not so bad you lost your son, you have trouble taking care of the 4 you have.”

“Oh well, at least you have 4 others, you should just be grateful for what you have” ( as though I’m NOT grateful? WHAT?!?)

“I’m sure you’ll have lots more.” Well, actually, my dr doesn’t think I will be able to get pregnant again, and if I do that baby has a good chance of being miscarried or stillborn. And there’s NOTHING they can do for me to reduce those odds.

Upon seeing his photo in my photo tote bag “You know, you can’t put him at the level as your other children. He’s not really part of your family.” that was my MOM.

“I know people keep saying he’s beautiful but not really, not like your other kids.” that was also my mom.

“At least you didn’t get attached to him before he died.” Ok, I have a few choice words for that one which I will keep in my head.

“I know just how you feel, I miscarried.” I have had several miscarriages and it is NOTHING like loosing a full term baby (or even a 20 weeker, which is still pretty far along.) Loosing a baby at 40 weeks, when you know that baby so well and have all their things washed and ready and your hospital bag packed…and then you hold that baby in your arms, eyes closed, mouth open, and no beating heart or rising chest…a miscarriage cannot be compared to that. Nothing can be compared to that.

Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.

For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!

So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

In response to this blog

I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.

“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”

YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.

“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)

I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”

Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.

Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.

Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.

And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!

I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.

You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.

May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light