pretty as a picture

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Aspies, autism/asperger's, Being Mommy, Family No Comments »

My girls always make the funniest faces (unintentionally) in their
photographs. I’ve tried having them practice in front of a mirror and it just
doesn’t work. So now this is what I do:

I tell them to close their eyes. When their face looks calm and relaxed I tell
them to think of (an ice cream sunday, their favorite video game, whatever you
can think of that will bring a smile to their faces.) When I see that natural
smile I get ready to snap the picture and then I tell them to open their eyes.
Perfect picture almost every time!

an aspie son interviews mom

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Aspies, autism/asperger's, Being Mommy, Family, Homeschooling No Comments »

a new addition to the song

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family No Comments »

My girls have added a few verses to the song Old McDonald you probably haven’t heard before, and I blogged about them previously.  Well, here’s a new one! Background on it- one of the chemo side effects is diarrhea and gas, so consider yourself forewarned!

Old McDonld had a farm E I E I O.  And on his farm he had a Daddy.  E I E I O.  With a fart fart here and a fart fart there, here a fart, there a fart, everywhere a fart fart.  Old McDonald had a farm E I E I O.

why it’s not the same thing

Posted by: Sarah Trost in autism/asperger's, Family, health, Today in the News No Comments »

A good friend of mine suggested that it’s a good thing for AS/ASD to be not so widely diagnosed because the extremely wide spread diagnosis of ADD/ADHD and other disorders and over medication has become an overwhelming concern and problem to many (I have read that most children in foster care are taking at least three psychiatric medications for PRIMARILY ADD.)

I completely agree that this is a problem that needs to be addressed and a solution found. However, AS/ASD is more likely to be under-diagnosed, and typically unmediated. Here is the reply I sent to her.

AS and ASD have no common medications prescribed because there is nothing recommended specifically for AS/ASD. Children and adults on the autism spectrum may be given something for anxiety, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, ect but those are independent of the autism diagnosis, considered to be comorbid syndromes. Medical insurance does not typically pay for anything related to AS/ASD such as speech therapy, occupational therapy, or behavioral therapy because it’s not considered a curable disorder. However, with a diagnosis, children and adults may qualify for special services through the schools and colleges (such as speech and OT, ABA or other therapies) and accommodations (like a quiet place to test with extra time, a special aid, ect.) They may also qualify for Medicaid and SSI, which helps the parents as well as the children with therapies and medical bills. Most on the spectrum are unable to support themselves, so SSI is very helpful for that. ASDs come with all kinds of health issues as it is strongly linked to auto immune disorders. The body begins to attack itself. Candida, food sensitivities ect can be very costly. As it is a neurological disorder, epilepsy and other disorders may also affect the person. A child or adult with autism who gets SSI will get also Medicaid. There’s also respite care for parents to get a babysitter to help care for their child with special needs while they get a much needed break.

There are DAN! doctors (Defeat Autism Now) who understand nutrition and all the ins and outs of ASDs and while there aren’t very many of them, there are a lot of people helped by them. Early intervention and nutritional help ect is out there for those who get a diagnosis. Also, without a diagnosis those on the autism spectrum are very badly treated because they are just ‘difficult’ or ‘morons’ or ‘lazy’ instead of people with a disability who may need extra help. Imagine if a child is never diagnosed as deaf. What would his parents think of him? How would others around him treat him? How would he feel? He would certainly never be taught sign language, so he would be unable to express himself. It also leaves parents helpless to know what to do with their child. In the course of ASDs, a diagnosis is definitely very helpful. In fact, if we didn’t know that Kailey and I have AS our lives would be much worse now. I wouldn’t even have them on a gluten free diet and it’s very possible that Bethany and Taryn wouldn’t be talking. I may have continued vaccinating Kaitlyn, and who knows what she would be like now. But with the new diagnostic criteria, I don’t think we’d be diagnosed. We don’t actually have the official diagnoses as although we could have received it easily enough I chose not to because I thought that could come later if need be. Now, with the new diagnostic criteria, that might not be possible.

An excellent blog on a child with AS that was not diagnosed until later is here (if you can view it through mamapedia, if not let me know and I can copy it.) http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/bright-child-with-asperger-tick-s I’m sure there are plenty of responses of similar stories there.

Time is short

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

I dream of Benjamin sometimes.  Soon after his death I had a very healing dream where I was in a pretty cabin room with double doors that opened onto a patio.  Gauzy white curtains blew with the wind and soft white sheets with fluffy pillows surrounded me on the bed.  I was holding Benjamin and his eyes were open, he was alive!  He heart beat within his chest and he breathed rhythmically.  The midwife in my dream (different then my RL midwife) was there and a little confused why I thought that Benjamin had died.

I usually don’t remember my other Benjamin dreams when I wake, only that I had dreamed of him.  This morning I had another dream, though.  I did not realize I was dreaming, or it would have been very different.  I had things I wanted to do, an agenda for the week.  My mom was watching him, giving him a bottle.  I kept thinking that it was ok, I would see him soon.  I did see him for a brief moment here and there, and even nursed him, although I didn’t pay much attention to him.  It was just something I did, not a precious experience between mother and son.

When I woke I mourned that I didn’t cherish the time I had with him.  If only I had remembered that he was dead and I was dreaming and enjoyed him, instead of off doing my own thing.  But isn’t that the way our lives often go?  We are busy doing our own thing and although it may not mean leaving our children with someone else, we have our minds on the cooking and cleaning and other things…and neglect to cherish each moment with our loved ones because we think they will be there when we are ready.  But then sometimes they aren’t…things have changed and they are gone and our lives are full of missed opportunities that can never be retrieved.

“The Days we are given are gifts from above,today we  remember to live and to love…” Superchick.

Thank God for my DR

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I went to my post surgical checkup today. Dr Zepeda once again said that my remaining fallopian tube and ovary looked great and my uterus healed very nicely from the rupture. He gave no concerns about another pregnancy. Paul asked about conception during chemo and he said that was just fine, although chemo may cause infertility, it will not cause birth defects in the baby! I know there’s a lot of men out there who are told to wait 2 years after chemo is OVER before trying to have another child. His oncologist ALSO said that chemo is not a concern to him during conception and my OB said he’s known that oncologist for 30 years, and he’s known to be the best in the field (which BTW my OB and our chiropractor are also well known and all three teach in medical schools.)

You could tell that Paul was very relieved, especially that my uterus looks great. There’s a lot of scar tissue around the bladder which is typical following multiple cesareans. I’ll have to remember discussing silicone film in the future to help prevent adhesions after another cesarean.

Ultimately I’m still praying that God heals me and I can have a natural delivery. I’m not sure that God will bless us with another baby, but if He does our youngest will be 3 1/2 or older. After having ‘stair step’ deliveries, that will be a very different experience!!

This has been such a hard year on all of us. I am just begging God for a fantastic 2010. We’ll see what happens.

Yet another loss

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy yesterday. It wasn’t in my liver (thankfully, as I was fearing that) but in my right fallopian tube. It was the twin to the baby I miscarried several weeks ago. The Dr said that my other ovary and tube look wonderful, my rupture has healed well, although I have a lot of scarring where the bladder is.

My dr was completely shocked as well as the NP who did my earlier scans and the conferring OB. Everyone were totally blown away. I wasn’t, I’ve felt from the beginning I had twins and one was ectopic. They would have never caught this one but I have been terribly sick the last three weeks and have been pushing for answers to why I feel this way. I thought it was a concussion and went to the ER who released me because of a positive pregnancy test and no ultrasound. Two days later I had an ultrasound and more blood work. Nothing in the ultrasound, and blood work showed a decrease in HCG as I had expected since I had miscarried weeks earlier.

I called several times but they never got a message to the OB and A WEEK LATER my OB called very concerned about my blood work and wanted to see me ASAP in level 4 (?) ultrasound. They had no appointments available and said they could see me in a week. I insisted that it was imperative that I get seen sooner and they said I have an apt IN DECEMBER. So I finally had to settle for a week, which was Wed. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very concerned and didn’t say much but spent a long time doing the ultrasound. She told me
to go immediately to my DR office ( which was in the same department.)

I did and was told GO HOME. He will call me in a few days (like he did with my lab work??) I refused to go home. But he’s not here, he’ll be back in a few hours, it’s his surgery day. I insisted that they get someone to look at my ultrasound. I overheard them talking to the tech who was clearly worried and said she couldn’t see the baby. Since we weren’t looking for a baby specifically (the ultrasound order didn’t say why I was there) I knew that something was clearly wrong.

So they called my OB and read to him what the ultrasound tech wrote in the report, that there was a large mass near my right ovary. They didn’t tell me this, but came and told me that they read the report to the OB while he was in surgery and he told them to not let me leave. So I waited several hours and he came in with a conferring OB who reviewed my previous ultrasounds and records. They were astounded and as it was too late to get me into surgery scheduled me for first thing the next morning. (I left at 4:30 AM for the hospital.)

When they opened me up my tube began to rupture. I bled a lot. They almost had to give me a transfusion. My BP went very very low and my hemoglobin is low (I’m taking iron for it.)

I am so thankful that I hit my head and pursued the strange symptoms and pushed for the ultrasound and insisted on staying until someone looked at my ultrasound. Otherwise, I would have ruptured at home, 45 minutes from the nearest hospital and alone (my parents were going out of town and hubby works an hour away.) I could have died. But God is sovereign and merciful and He protected me from death.

Another set of twins with Jesus. I was thankful that there was no
heartbeat as I couldn’t make that decision to take the baby out, even if it threatened my life, if it meant directly killing the baby. It’s been several months that I felt strongly I would have an ectopic and had prayed fervently that if that were to happen that God would take the baby home to be with Him before the surgery. His peace was so strongly upon me as I was wheeled into surgery.

Today Paul has cried a lot. It’s very painful for him to cry since the chemotherapy causes tremendous pain to his face. But he is so very sad that our four living girls (ages 2,4,5,6) have experienced so much loss lately. We all are.

Sarah,mom to 4 girls on Earth Kailey Faith, Bethany Hope, Taryn Grace and Kaitlyn Joy and possibly 8 treasures in Heaven

missing Allanah Charity (Kailey’s twin lost at 9 weeks in 2002)
Thomas (Benjamin’s twin lost at 6 weeks in 2008)
Benjamin Isaiah stillborn at 40 weeks on March 8,2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 7 weeks October 7, 2009
Emma’s twin Elizabeth Shalom ectopic pregnancy removed Nov 12, 2009
three possible (unconfirmed) miscarriages in 2006-2009

At the Zoo

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

photo_116_20080825

My good friend and I are always pregnant together, except my #2 girl. She wasn’t pregnant then. But when she is pregnant, I am pregnant. She had three girls and I had four so we were praying for boys. BOTH needed to be boys. And sure enough, they were! But then Benjamin was stillborn and Jett was not. It was a close call for him, though. Homebirth, short chord wrapped tightly around his neck AND torso if I remember correctly. Very close call. They had to resuscitate him I think. But thankfully the midwife is very experienced and Jett did just fine.

I hadn’t seen him yet. Last week we met at the zoo. He looks just like his sisters, a little Ledman boy if you ever saw one. The stroller she used wasn’t working well for him and I offered that he could ride in mine since our 2 Yos were running around together. I couldn’t help but think that it was supposed to be Benjamin in that stroller. Our beautiful little girls running delightedly around the zoo and our sweet little boys being carried in slings or pushed in the strollers. As the girls ate next to the sea lions we would have nursed the babies. And yet Jett (thankfully) was here and Benjamin was not.

We were looking at the primates and my friend asked me if I was ok.  Yes, I was.  No, I wasn’t.  How do you reply?  I’m never completely ok.

The new stone paving leading into the zoo can be engraved (donations)and I had planned to do that with some of the money in his memorial fund. I couldn’t help but try to read all the ones that have been engraved, my eyes were glued to them on the way in and on the way out. You can get 1,2, or 4 engraved at I think $100 a brick. Man if I had $400 I take up a whole square!!

We haven’t ordered Benjamin’s headstone yet but it’s picked out. We need to decide what photo to use and what epitaph. I’ve had a hard time getting hubby to sit down and do it. Understandably, it’s a difficult thing to do for sure.

I think we’ll go to the cemetery today.

It is well with my soul

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »


I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven. 🙂

holding on to Jesus

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, health, Sovereignty of God No Comments »

Paul is having surgery Thursday and he’ll be there a week or longer. The surgeon said that there’s too high a risk that there is cancer. He said that if we waited any longer it would have DEFINITELY turned into cancer but there’s a good chance that some of it already is, even though the biopsy came back negative. So, he’s removing a foot (at least) of his colon.

I did a google search for fever (one of his ongoing symptoms) and cancer and found that a tumor in a cancer patient can cause a fever. So hopefully this will take care of that symptom. He’s in a lot of pain right now, but we think that most of that is his hernia, which also needs to be repaired. He has a bone in the area of the cancer, though, that has a lot of pain so I can’t help but wonder if he has cancer in that bone.

I can say “God’s will be done” all day long, but the fact is that we will miss him terribly while he’s gone and it would be totally devastating to us if he doesn’t make it. The thought of loosing my husband so soon after loosing my son….

Well, I’ve had a hard time accomplishing much. I’m so tired. I grieved the two days that I waited for the results of the biopsy.

Holding on to Jesus

What kids say

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, Homeschooling, Uncategorized 1 Comment »

The other day I listened to the girls in their usual round of “Old McDonald Has a Farm.” After all the animals had been named, the next line they sang was “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had lots of poop, E I E I O. With Lots of poop here, and lots of poop there. Here lots of poop, there lots of poop, everywhere lots of poop. Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

Oh my, well with all those animals surely there was lots of poop, right? hehe

Then they followed it with “Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on his farm he had a wife, E I E I O. With a “Get to work here” and a “Get to work there” here a “get to work” there a “get to work” everywhere a “get to work.” Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O.”

I was laughing before, but that was just hysterical!

send me a rainbow

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, Poems, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Send me a rainbow – Laura Story

Just to hold you, child.

Just to know you, child.

Just to hear you cry.

To look into your eyes.

Just to see you, child.

Just to touch you, child.

Pieces of me I will not see

This side of time.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now.

Let Jesus hold you, child.

For Jesus knows you child.

Let Jesus hush your cry.

Lord Jesus, please hush mine.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now

Breathing and blessing

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.

For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!

So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

He gives and takes away, blessed be His name!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

In response to this blog

I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.

“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”

YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.

“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)

I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”

Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.

Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.

Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.

And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!

I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.

You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.

May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light

new life

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

A friend of mine just had a baby two days ago. I went to see her. I needed to- she was attempting a home VBAC and lost heart tones and rushed to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. I know how she felt going through what she went through, especially how the hospital treated her. I went through it in March. I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though she still has her baby (praise God!) she still has some grieving to work through. This was her fourth c-section and although she would like more children, she is afraid of having more sections. I’ve had 5, I understand completely.

Anyway, I was glad she had a girl because it made it easier for me to be there for her. But this was the first time I had been in a hospital since Benjamin. I walked in and the smell…the hospital smell almost brought me to tears. When I passed by the nursery I stopped to look at the babies and they were wrapped up in the blanket the funeral home had used. I had asked them to remove the blanket and gave them something nicer. But seeing that blanket wrapped around those newborn babies took my breath away. A sob caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. I wanted to take the time to grieve, but I wanted to be strong for my friend too. I wondered what the nurses thought when they looked up and saw the stranger in the window wasn’t smiling but crying.

When I was in her room they brought the baby to her and LEFT HER AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. My friend couldn’t get her, and so I asked her if she’d like be to bring her. She did, and so for the first time since Benjamin, I held a baby. She had fat cheeks like Benjamin did. She was big, almost 9 pounds. He was almost 10 pounds. Of course I had to talk about him. I tried not to, because this is her day and I didn’t want to steal any joy she had. Another lady from our VBAC group came and you could tell whenever I mentioned Benjamin she tried to change the subject. She didn’t make eye contact with me, didn’t hug me, barely acknowledged me. I wanted to shout “I AM HERE! It’s OK to talk about my baby. I WANT to talk about my baby. ASK ME about him! Ask me if I have pictures, because I do! LOTS of pictures, always with me. He is my son. Please stop pretending that he doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, just not in my arms. Acknowledge him. I need you to acknowledge him, not push him out of thoughts and conversation. I can’t forget him, how can you?”

because I haven’t the strength

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission No Comments »

I keep wanting to update here but I just can’t seem to do it. So, I’ll let my husband do it for me. Here’s his blog
We all appreciate your prayers.

Sarah

Oil of Joy for Mourning

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

When I first started looking into having a VBAC it was at the urging of the Holy Spirit. I was concerned because my OBGYN had been insistent that I could never have a head down baby, I could never deliver a full term baby, and that most VBACs end in rupture and most ruptures end in dead babies and mommies. We prayed that God would heal my uterus, but healing never came. And instead the gentle prodding “What if I tell you to do this for me, even without the healing, would you?” I stammered my response but couldn’t shake this was from God, because it happened at the very moment that a previous prophetic dream was unfolding before my eyes in a dramatic situation at church. I knew that not only was this God, but that God was asking something of me I wasn’t willing to give. Myself. My baby. Crazy to think- because I’m quiverfull! But as the week progressed God changed my heart and I found myself giving up everything for Him. Although I now had faith, my approach was then turned to purely scientific- what is best for mom and baby? I felt strongly that I was being lead to research it, and as I read the studies and commentaries written by doctors such as Birth After Cesarean, I became heavily convicted that the VBAC IS the logical and, in comparison to multiple cesareans, SAFE choice.

But then as time passed I became excited at the opportunity to experience natural birth. I know, many women think that is silly as it
is painful and just a means to an end. But as a very natural- earthy person the idea of doing what my body is MEANT to do, to deliver in a way that it was created to function, was just so RIGHT. And the pursuit of natural birth literature and films consumed me.

Then I started reading books on the injustice of the medical system- the horrible things that drs do to their patients. Born in The USA, Pushed, The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, and others. I was angry- angry that I was lead around so easily, convinced that the drs really had my best interests at heart. People say “as long as you have a healthy baby” but why is my baby’s life more important then mine? I’m not a feminist, but I think I’m pretty important too. And who’s to say that I had healthy babies simply because they were born via c-section? They were in the NICU, they couldn’t nurse, my oldest has a terrible gag reflex from the tube shoved down her throat. What kind of sensory or psychological damage do they have? Don’t they deserve a physically and emotionally healthy mom too? And what right did the drs have to do this to us?

I fell into Birthing From Within and it was the same as above, with horrible stories of injustice and pain. But there was more- there was hope. There was healing, but before healing begins the wounds must open. And that’s when I began to grieve. That’s when I stopped reading these stories as OTHER women’s stories, and realized that they were MY story.

That’s when I stopped saying “she was delivered at__weeks” and said “She was taken from me.” I stopped saying “my c-section” and said instead “They cut me.” For the first time, I remembered my experiences with all the raw truth of what really happened. No wonder I suffered from PTSD! and all this time I thought it was merely because I felt out of control,
but in truth I was positively abused!

The hurt and pain was strong and throbbing. The tears were hot. But the anger and grief and pain are all necessary, because true healing can’t begin until you recognize the truth in the situation. When you recognize what really happened, what your part in it was, and how it truly affected you, then you can begin the turning process.

The Bible says that God gives beauty from ashes, and this was the
beginning of that.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for
ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit
of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the
planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3.

So now begins the joy. I can have joy that even if I need another section, it will be because I actually need it and is something I have chosen, not something forced on me. It will be because it IS the best for mom and babe, not because it lessens the chance of the dr getting sued. And I can finally embrace the healing.

sarah

a new baby!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, Uncategorized No Comments »

This is our first truly QF baby.  We had been using NFP but I was still nursing and my fertility signs were very inconsistent.  After two months of abstaining to avoid conception (which is not only unbiblical but unhealthy for a marriage) we came together the way the Creator of the Great Romance meant for husband and wife, and I concieved the very next day!  So during that pregnancy (2006/2007) we really began searching the Scriptures and although we had never heard of the Quiverfull movement, were moved that we were to trust God’s soveriegnty in all things, including childbirth, and that we should give our fertility (at the time, 4 children in 4 1/2 years was certainly fertile!) over to God.  We should ask Him to control EVERY area of our lives, and who better to trust with our family then the Lord?

In my research I stumbled upon a pagan website bashing a group called Quiverfull.  I went to the site and did some other searching (the Internet is such a marvelous invention.)  I was so excited to know that not only did other people feel the same way we did, there was actually a movement!  God is working mightily in His people.

So, this, our fifth, was our first baby concieved without any concern wither I would get pregnant.  It was so liberating to TRUST GOD!  Like with #2,3,4 I knew I was pregnant before I cold even take a test.  Paul suggested I not take a test and just wait and when I feel the baby move I’ll know I’m pregnant.  LOL  Well, given that I am now 17 weeks and still haven’t felt distinct movements I’m really glad I didn’t take his advice.

I was sicker in this pregnancy then I was with the others and noticed my uterus growing faster then normal.  I wondered if I was having twins.  My 5 YO started talking about twins.  So when I had my U/S at 6 weeks and the tech said it looked like twins, I wasn’t surprised!  But then she said she couldn’t find the other baby (just a sac.)  A 10 week ultrasound again revealed only one baby.  I have another scheduled next week so we’ll see.  I’ll upload ultrasound pics next week.

Blessings to all.

Sarah

new book

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF No Comments »

I can’t wait to read this!  It’s called Family Unplanning.  For information on how you might win the book, check out this blog.    For further information on the book, look at this website. Feel free to pass along the info!!

Blessings,

Sarah

PS- I know updates have been a long time coming but I was having trouble editing my page until today!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, Today in the News No Comments »

I’m alarmed at how many Christians are actually defending The Golden Compass. It’s worse then Harry Potter. They even have on the official website a questionnaire to discover what your ‘doemon’ is. Yes, that is a British spelling of demon. In the story people have a kind of spirit guide/their spirit that walks around outside the body in the form of an animal. This is called a daemon.

I have read Christians online who say that the email rumors are not true, yet snopes.com (a secular internet rumor/urban myths dispeller website) says that they are.

Supposedly, the author wants to ‘kill God in the minds of children’ and that in one of the books in the series Adam and Eve do actually kill God, also called Yaweh.

I know one movie I WON’T be seeing…