My sister’s dream

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

We are dreamers, always have been. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve been working on a book, a book without a name. Names are hard to decide on- you want something simple and self explanatory but memorable in a very nice way. She also doesn’t know that I have felt very strongly for years that I would be a public speaker. God has gifted me in this area, and I knew one day He would use it for His glory.

Well, my sister called me a little while ago with her dream from last night (which was Benjamin’s 9 month birthday.) I was standing on a stage speaking, and I had written a book. She remembers details, like my new hair cut, clothes and glasses. Beside me was a sign that had a pretty water color painting of a woman in a rockingchair looking through a window. The sign read “Loss and Gain: A Mother’s Story.”  Sitting in front of her was a man (She didn’t notice if it was Paul) and our 4 girls (older) and a little girl about 4-5 and a little boy about 2-3.  He had platinum blond hair and brown eyes (my husband did when he was young.) He wore long light blue shorts and a matching vest and white dress shirt.

So, now I have a title for my book.  🙂  She said I can use it so here’s my official claim to it.  Copyright 12/9/2009.

Raising a large family with disabilities

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Aspies, Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, health, Sovereignty of God No Comments »

I won’t fake it.  It’s not easy being a mom who is also autistic.  It’s even harder being a mom who is autistic and raising children who are on the autism spectrum.  Add to that a mom who is autistic, married to a man with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, raising children on the autism spectrum, while undergoing miscarriages and surgeries.

Yet, I find joy in serving my family.  Not always.  I do grumble occasionally.  But I love my family immesly.

I realize that my husband would likely do better with a wife that is more self sufficient.  After all, I can’t seem to remember to brush my teeth or take my vitamins without his pokes.   But he loves me and doesn’t seem to mind (most of the time) helping me in my disabilities.  His feelings aren’t hurt when I tell him I can’t handle being touched that day.  He notices when I am overwhelmed and need some time in a quiet space (who doesn’t need that, even without a disability!)

I so desire the ability to give him a perfectly orderly and quiet environment where he can recover and heal.  I’m sure he desires that as well, yet, he recognizes that I have some limitations.

Not only do I feel that I fail my husband in certain areas, but I think I fail my children.  I can’t seem to find a way to rally them up and get them to joyfully and willingly obey.

Still, I am pleased with God’s direction and immeasurable strength and peace He has provided me.  Not that I always illuminate with peace, mind you, but it is there for the taking.

For instance, God directed us towards the gluten free diet.  Our lives are completely different thanks to this ‘simple’ change in diet!  I find that tea has helped give me some calm during the crazy parts of the day like after lunch and dinner, and seems to be helping Paul as well.  Most of all, a grasp of God’s sovereignty carries us through any trial that comes our way.  Again, not that we always react in faith!  But God is unboundingly merciful to us in such times of distress.  Ultimately, we have peace in the midst of a raging storm.


Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

emotions cloud logic

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Sovereignty of God No Comments »

I was reading an interesting thread in a friend of mine’s journal on this topic. He was describing a systematic view of his own morality, how he lives his life and weighs good from bad (well, that’s an overly simplistic view of it but you get the idea.) A reader replied that she finds most people cannot express what they believe, probably because they’ve never really thought about it. When they get upset at ‘opposing’ viewpoints they really speak from their emotions and not from their researched or truly thoughtful beliefs. This led me to reply:

yes, I would agree with your experience with others and their concept of their own beliefs (or lack thereof.) It reminds me of an experience in college (several actually but one in particular stands out.)

I raised my hand and responded to the professor’s statement “By that train of thought, Satan and man are greater and more powerful then God.” Since it was a Bible college murmurs erupted and my classmates became quite upset. Prof considered it for a moment and said “Yes, you are correct.” The protests grew louder and he explained why his (and most of the students there) theology, if considered purely logically, would (should) lead to the belief that people and Satan are greater then God.

Of course because they believed A but not B their emotions clouded their logic (or maybe they lacked it entirely.) They were completely unable to explore what A meant to B and have a rational discussion on it. Students actually WALKED OUT!!

BTW, despite my unwillingness to swallow everything as taught, my professors thoroughly enjoyed having me in their classes. Apparently they valued students who thought for themselves and I chose to base my beliefs on logic and Scriptural exegesis rather then deciding what I believed FIRST and THEN looked for Scripture to back up my claims.

I sum up my beliefs regarding how to live in this world in one word- respect. I was trying to simplify our house rules and realized that I teach my girls so much that perhaps it was hard for them to remember absolutely ever rule I have thrown out there. So I told them that if they lacked respect for their possessions, siblings, parents, pet, ect then it would break a rule. If they jump on the sofa then they have no respect for the sofa. If they draw on the walls they disrespect the walls (or the parents who have to clean up the mess.) Respect is key to living rightly towards those around us. If we sin against God, then we are also not showing respect to God. This is of course overly simplistic when laying our your beliefs, but works wonderfully in child training.

It is well with my soul

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven. 🙂

baby? no baby?

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.

Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)

I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.

My God is might to save. amen?!

holding on to Jesus

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, health, Sovereignty of God No Comments »

Paul is having surgery Thursday and he’ll be there a week or longer. The surgeon said that there’s too high a risk that there is cancer. He said that if we waited any longer it would have DEFINITELY turned into cancer but there’s a good chance that some of it already is, even though the biopsy came back negative. So, he’s removing a foot (at least) of his colon.

I did a google search for fever (one of his ongoing symptoms) and cancer and found that a tumor in a cancer patient can cause a fever. So hopefully this will take care of that symptom. He’s in a lot of pain right now, but we think that most of that is his hernia, which also needs to be repaired. He has a bone in the area of the cancer, though, that has a lot of pain so I can’t help but wonder if he has cancer in that bone.

I can say “God’s will be done” all day long, but the fact is that we will miss him terribly while he’s gone and it would be totally devastating to us if he doesn’t make it. The thought of loosing my husband so soon after loosing my son….

Well, I’ve had a hard time accomplishing much. I’m so tired. I grieved the two days that I waited for the results of the biopsy.

Holding on to Jesus

He who began a good work in you

Posted by: Sarah Trost in doctrine and Biblical truths, Sovereignty of God, Submission No Comments »

Breathing and blessing

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.

For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!

So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

He gives and takes away, blessed be His name!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

In response to this blog

I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.

“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”

YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.

“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)

I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”

Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.

Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.

Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.

And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!

I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.

You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.

May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light

because I haven’t the strength

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission No Comments »

I keep wanting to update here but I just can’t seem to do it. So, I’ll let my husband do it for me. Here’s his blog
We all appreciate your prayers.


He’s Gone, and I’m Empty

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It was so hard, putting my beautiful little boy in the ground. I couldn’t do
it. I kissed him and walked away. I couldn’t even bear to see them close the

I never once complained about being pregnant. This was my easiest pregnancy.
The end was difficult and I couldn’t wait for it to be over NOT because I was
tired of being pregnant but because of the on and off labor where I never knew if it was
‘it’ or not. And at the end when I felt I was dying, well it’s because I was. I was dying and to save my life Benjamin had to go. Sadly I wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late, and now he’s gone and nothing will bring him back.

But the pregnant part…I cherished it. He was huge- 9 lbs 9 oz and I’m only
5’3″. It was hard for me to sleep and I was loosing weight as he was gaining (I
have lost 30 lbs in the last week, some from baby weight and some because I haven’t been eating.) But I loved every moment with him. Every movement, even though he woke me each morning at 4:30. Every kick, even when I wondered if my rib would crack. Each day, many times a day, I ascertained where his head, back, knees and legs were, to make sure he was in the right birthing position. And when he started to turn I’d gently move him back. I wanted to give him the best possible chance at birth, so that he wouldn’t be cut out of me like his sisters were for breech presentation. And at the end, he was in the perfect position to be born. But it didn’t matter, because he was dead.

I lost three babies this past year. I had an apparent miscarriage when we had
the accident in May, and then I lost Benjamin’s twin and now him. I admit, it’s
frustrating. The Duggars became QF and their first QF blessing was twin boys!
We became QF and we lost one and THEN twins. But this has not changed our
desire to be obedient to the Lord and we fervently pray that God blesses us with
twin boys in a few months.

I am in anguish, though, as I miss him. I miss him moving inside of me. I miss talking to him and him responding. I miss my anticipation of his arrival and making plans. I miss not getting to breast feed him, especially in the morning when I wake and he’s not lying next to me, nor is he inside of me. He’s not here. I miss Kailey telling him each night “Good night Benjamin” and him kicking his reply. His sisters loved him, and he loved his sisters. Everyone looked forward to finally seeing his sweet face and holding him and playing with him.

But he’s gone.

a new baby!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, Uncategorized No Comments »

This is our first truly QF baby.  We had been using NFP but I was still nursing and my fertility signs were very inconsistent.  After two months of abstaining to avoid conception (which is not only unbiblical but unhealthy for a marriage) we came together the way the Creator of the Great Romance meant for husband and wife, and I concieved the very next day!  So during that pregnancy (2006/2007) we really began searching the Scriptures and although we had never heard of the Quiverfull movement, were moved that we were to trust God’s soveriegnty in all things, including childbirth, and that we should give our fertility (at the time, 4 children in 4 1/2 years was certainly fertile!) over to God.  We should ask Him to control EVERY area of our lives, and who better to trust with our family then the Lord?

In my research I stumbled upon a pagan website bashing a group called Quiverfull.  I went to the site and did some other searching (the Internet is such a marvelous invention.)  I was so excited to know that not only did other people feel the same way we did, there was actually a movement!  God is working mightily in His people.

So, this, our fifth, was our first baby concieved without any concern wither I would get pregnant.  It was so liberating to TRUST GOD!  Like with #2,3,4 I knew I was pregnant before I cold even take a test.  Paul suggested I not take a test and just wait and when I feel the baby move I’ll know I’m pregnant.  LOL  Well, given that I am now 17 weeks and still haven’t felt distinct movements I’m really glad I didn’t take his advice.

I was sicker in this pregnancy then I was with the others and noticed my uterus growing faster then normal.  I wondered if I was having twins.  My 5 YO started talking about twins.  So when I had my U/S at 6 weeks and the tech said it looked like twins, I wasn’t surprised!  But then she said she couldn’t find the other baby (just a sac.)  A 10 week ultrasound again revealed only one baby.  I have another scheduled next week so we’ll see.  I’ll upload ultrasound pics next week.

Blessings to all.


Godly character

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Home, Sovereignty of God, Submission No Comments »

The forward:
Sometimes we wonder, “What did I do to deserve this?”
or “Why did God have to do this to me?” Here is a
wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her
Mother how everything is going wrong, she’s failing
algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best
friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter
says, “Absolutely Mom, I love your cake”

“Here, have some cooking oil,” her Mother offers.

“Yuck” says her daughter.
“How about a couple raw eggs?” “Gross, Mom!”
“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking

“Mom, those are all yucky!”

To which the mother replies: “Yes, all those things
seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put
together in the right way, they make a wonderfully
delic ious cake! ”

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He
would let us go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things all in
His order, they always work for good! We just have to
trust Him and, eventually, they will all make
something wonderful!

I was thinking along those lines this morning when I got out my mop and it broke upon first stroke. So, I got down on my hands and knees to scrub. Believe me, spending an hour sweeping and handwashing my floor was like baking soda and cooking oil!
I was on a local talk show a couple of times when I was a teenager. One of those times I was asked to explain to another teen why she must go to school (her mother was being threatened with jail time and fines because of her daughter’s truancy.) Well, this wasn’t an expected question and I wasn’t sure what I should say. A quick prayer and I opened my mouth and said

“It builds character.” Her face was blank, the talk show host wasn’t sure what to make of it either. I don’t think I made a convincing argument. Looking back at it, though, that was a great reason. There are things in our lives that are VERY unpleasant and even when we see NO REASON and NOTHING GOOD from these events, they still build character. Christians and nonChristians alike value character. As Christian ladies, though, good character can equal wisdom, good decisions, and an opportunity to be a good witness.
Lord, build in me a Godly character!!

It’s official

Posted by: Sarah Trost in church, doctrine and Biblical truths, Sovereignty of God, Submission No Comments »

We are a cult. No, not really, but I think most of the Christian world would say so.

We did leave what appeared to be a very good church based on the unwillingness to conform to a church practice of women not speaking to each other concerning doctrine and Scripture. Although it is claimed that is permitted, the restriction is that the woman must first speak to the husband. I, of course, am a firm believer in taking counsel from the husband and being in complete submission to him. However, women should also be allowed to discuss with each other and to say “Oh, I can’t discuss that matter with you because I have not yet spoken with my husband” is just plain ludicrous. There is no Scripture backing this. Following such a discussion the certainly should talk to their husbands, but supposedly we are easily tossed to and fro and bringing new ideas in the home would sow dischord. Well, if I had not brought foreign ideas to the home we would not have known about covering or being quiverfull, that’s for sure.

Our lives have changed so much in the last three months.

In looking for a church we are unable to find something nearby. After all, we are quiverfull, homeschooling, sovereign grace, spirit filled, head covered and autistic! Who could possibly want us at their church?

Paul started a blog on our church experiences. He begins it as the beginning of a kind of journey, but we will also post some negative and positive church experiences we have had in the past. What will the Lord do with us now? I don’t know, but I look forward to finding out!


great video

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Sovereignty of God No Comments »

I have wanted to sign to “Who Am I” for a long time. It has a powerful message, and lovely movement, perfect to sign at church. Well, I saw this today and thought “How fantastic!!”