Held

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

It is well with my soul

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »


I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven. 🙂

baby? no baby?

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, health, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Well, they couldn’t find a baby. The cyst has grown so large it is pushing the uterus out of view of the ultrasound. They don’t know if the cyst is hiding a uterine pregnancy or if the baby is in the ovary hidden by the cyst. I have another apt on Monday. That will make my third ultrasound already but it’s supposed to be a super high level US.

Paul is having surgery today for the catheter port and will start chemo on the 12th. He will have scans about 4 weeks after he starts chemo to look for more cancer. Right now he’s still too swollen to see much (after having had surgery.)

I’m having trouble putting into words how I feel about not knowing about the baby. I think that the waiting is not good for us as a family right now because of the cancer. But at the same time, hope keeps us going and if I found out that I do indeed have an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for my baby and may require some serious medical treatment, that would be really awful.

My God is might to save. amen?!

He gives and takes away, blessed be His name!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

In response to this blog

I really enjoyed what you wrote! I found it in trying to sustain my argument that in fact God DOES give and take away. So often people have trouble with the taking away part. I really need to blog about this myself, but I have such a hard time finding blog time.

“How arrogant we (me the worst of all) sometimes get. Thinking that God is totally consumed with our individualistic wants and “needs.” I, as a rule, think we as Americans are pretty stupid and believe we need much more than we actually do. For me to think that because of my faith God gives me more than others is a little slippery. Financial and physical blessing is not the best indicator of faith.”

YES!! I can’t hold the attitude “Why me?” The very question “Why me?” is so arrogant! I am a sinner, deserving of hell, no less. I do not deserve the many blessings in my life. Yes, I have nearly died several times. Yes, I have lost children, I have been raped, my grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents are dying far too young….and my surviving children have autism. But I am not so haughty to think that for some reason I am above tragedy. OR should be above it. God is mighty and sovereign, and I live in a fallen and imperfect world. The Bible is also clear that we are to BLESS GOD for His will in our lives, INCLUDING trials and calamities. How can we do that? Well, if we will stop taking our eyes off of ME, MYSELF AND I, and look at the bigger picture, we will always see God working, transforming tragedy into blessing, beauty from ashes.

“I will land this plane by giving some personal examples. I have known several God-fearing, H.S. baptized, faith-filled couples who have struggled with multiple miscairrages in their lives after believing for YEARS to have children. Certain people have had the nerve to suggest it was because of their lack of faith. (Lucky for them it wasn’t in my presence or it may have resulted in a fist in their mouth)

I have prayed with total reprobate sinners who dishonor God and seen them get healed from things as small as headaches, to legs growing out. ”

Again, yes and amen! My dad has had cancer since I was a child. He is still alive, but struggling very much with pain. He went through a period of time where he went to Benny Hinn and other faith healers and claimed to all that he IS healed. He believed with all his heart that he was healed, and this was after a friend of ours died of cancer, also claiming that there was NO cancer! They had all the faith, all the right prayers, and lived a Godly life. But it wasn’t enough. Why not? Because it was not in God’s will. Yet, he is still alive, with cancer but very much alive, so many years after she died. A good friend of mine died last year very suddenly of a cancer she didn’t know she had, leaving behind a husband, a newborn and four other young children. So again it shows that God’s will is very specific. While my friend was dying I couldn’t go see her because I had sick children but I would talk to her on the phone and she was always full of faith and strength. To God be the glory! It was an inspiration to talk to this woman who knew she would very possibly not be miraculously healed, and yet rejoiced because her faith in God was so strong.

Back to your analogy of faith filled couples having multiple miscarriages- Last year God led us to trust HIM in “our” family planning, that He is the perfect planner! We already had 4 beautiful little girls and hoped and prayed that in our obedience to Him, He would give us a son…perhaps even twins! I know, I was crazy in thinking that LOL but that was a desire (I believe God placed.) I was pregnant in May 2008 and we had a freak accident in our 2008 Ford 12 passenger van. We hit a tree and the van rolled. The van was very squashed and it was amazing that we made it out without any injuries (only slight cuts from the windows when they pulled us out since the van was still upside down. For pics and the full story read this.

Well, as is common, following the accident I miscarried. Our first “let God have control” baby was gone. I got pregnant soon after. I felt like it was twins but didn’t say anything. My then 5 YO daughter said it was twins and I hoped she was right. We had our first ultrasound, and there were two sacks! It was too early to be sure about the babies, but definitely there were two sacks. Four weeks later they couldn’t find even ONE heartbeat at my OB apt, so off to the U/S room I went. By myself. That seemed to be the longest hour of my life, waiting to see if my babies were alive or gone to be with Jesus. With having three previous miscarriages you might think I’d grown accustomed to such losses but I hadn’t. I wasn’t worried or upset, but certainly prayed the whole time. There was one strong heart beat! We rejoiced, but were saddened to have lost another child.

And then, at 40 weeks gestation, we lost the other one. One cannot come remotely close to describing how it feels to have a stillbirth. Yet, as I held my beautiful little boy in my arms, my first thoughts were of PRAISE! Yes, I was praising God for my son. I miss him terribly, but am thankful for the time I had with him. Many people try to convince me that this was NOT God’s will that God DOESN’T take life, especially not that of babies. We have a free will therefore we have the power to give and take life. How selfish and godlike we can make ourselves!

I don’t understand why, when I gave my womb and my heart to God, He gave me three dead babies. It doesn’t make sense to me. But God just doesn’t operate in this finite human reasoning. And I am certainly not above such tragedy, as I have stated before.

You might be interested in this family, who lost their son AND their daughter and yet still have faith that God is in control.

May you have peace, love, and live in His Eternal Light

new life

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

A friend of mine just had a baby two days ago. I went to see her. I needed to- she was attempting a home VBAC and lost heart tones and rushed to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. I know how she felt going through what she went through, especially how the hospital treated her. I went through it in March. I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though she still has her baby (praise God!) she still has some grieving to work through. This was her fourth c-section and although she would like more children, she is afraid of having more sections. I’ve had 5, I understand completely.

Anyway, I was glad she had a girl because it made it easier for me to be there for her. But this was the first time I had been in a hospital since Benjamin. I walked in and the smell…the hospital smell almost brought me to tears. When I passed by the nursery I stopped to look at the babies and they were wrapped up in the blanket the funeral home had used. I had asked them to remove the blanket and gave them something nicer. But seeing that blanket wrapped around those newborn babies took my breath away. A sob caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. I wanted to take the time to grieve, but I wanted to be strong for my friend too. I wondered what the nurses thought when they looked up and saw the stranger in the window wasn’t smiling but crying.

When I was in her room they brought the baby to her and LEFT HER AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. My friend couldn’t get her, and so I asked her if she’d like be to bring her. She did, and so for the first time since Benjamin, I held a baby. She had fat cheeks like Benjamin did. She was big, almost 9 pounds. He was almost 10 pounds. Of course I had to talk about him. I tried not to, because this is her day and I didn’t want to steal any joy she had. Another lady from our VBAC group came and you could tell whenever I mentioned Benjamin she tried to change the subject. She didn’t make eye contact with me, didn’t hug me, barely acknowledged me. I wanted to shout “I AM HERE! It’s OK to talk about my baby. I WANT to talk about my baby. ASK ME about him! Ask me if I have pictures, because I do! LOTS of pictures, always with me. He is my son. Please stop pretending that he doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, just not in my arms. Acknowledge him. I need you to acknowledge him, not push him out of thoughts and conversation. I can’t forget him, how can you?”

because I haven’t the strength

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission No Comments »

I keep wanting to update here but I just can’t seem to do it. So, I’ll let my husband do it for me. Here’s his blog
We all appreciate your prayers.

Sarah

He’s Gone, and I’m Empty

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, QF, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It was so hard, putting my beautiful little boy in the ground. I couldn’t do
it. I kissed him and walked away. I couldn’t even bear to see them close the
casket.

I never once complained about being pregnant. This was my easiest pregnancy.
The end was difficult and I couldn’t wait for it to be over NOT because I was
tired of being pregnant but because of the on and off labor where I never knew if it was
‘it’ or not. And at the end when I felt I was dying, well it’s because I was. I was dying and to save my life Benjamin had to go. Sadly I wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late, and now he’s gone and nothing will bring him back.

But the pregnant part…I cherished it. He was huge- 9 lbs 9 oz and I’m only
5’3″. It was hard for me to sleep and I was loosing weight as he was gaining (I
have lost 30 lbs in the last week, some from baby weight and some because I haven’t been eating.) But I loved every moment with him. Every movement, even though he woke me each morning at 4:30. Every kick, even when I wondered if my rib would crack. Each day, many times a day, I ascertained where his head, back, knees and legs were, to make sure he was in the right birthing position. And when he started to turn I’d gently move him back. I wanted to give him the best possible chance at birth, so that he wouldn’t be cut out of me like his sisters were for breech presentation. And at the end, he was in the perfect position to be born. But it didn’t matter, because he was dead.

I lost three babies this past year. I had an apparent miscarriage when we had
the accident in May, and then I lost Benjamin’s twin and now him. I admit, it’s
frustrating. The Duggars became QF and their first QF blessing was twin boys!
We became QF and we lost one and THEN twins. But this has not changed our
desire to be obedient to the Lord and we fervently pray that God blesses us with
twin boys in a few months.

I am in anguish, though, as I miss him. I miss him moving inside of me. I miss talking to him and him responding. I miss my anticipation of his arrival and making plans. I miss not getting to breast feed him, especially in the morning when I wake and he’s not lying next to me, nor is he inside of me. He’s not here. I miss Kailey telling him each night “Good night Benjamin” and him kicking his reply. His sisters loved him, and he loved his sisters. Everyone looked forward to finally seeing his sweet face and holding him and playing with him.

But he’s gone.

Oil of Joy for Mourning

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

When I first started looking into having a VBAC it was at the urging of the Holy Spirit. I was concerned because my OBGYN had been insistent that I could never have a head down baby, I could never deliver a full term baby, and that most VBACs end in rupture and most ruptures end in dead babies and mommies. We prayed that God would heal my uterus, but healing never came. And instead the gentle prodding “What if I tell you to do this for me, even without the healing, would you?” I stammered my response but couldn’t shake this was from God, because it happened at the very moment that a previous prophetic dream was unfolding before my eyes in a dramatic situation at church. I knew that not only was this God, but that God was asking something of me I wasn’t willing to give. Myself. My baby. Crazy to think- because I’m quiverfull! But as the week progressed God changed my heart and I found myself giving up everything for Him. Although I now had faith, my approach was then turned to purely scientific- what is best for mom and baby? I felt strongly that I was being lead to research it, and as I read the studies and commentaries written by doctors such as Birth After Cesarean, I became heavily convicted that the VBAC IS the logical and, in comparison to multiple cesareans, SAFE choice.

But then as time passed I became excited at the opportunity to experience natural birth. I know, many women think that is silly as it
is painful and just a means to an end. But as a very natural- earthy person the idea of doing what my body is MEANT to do, to deliver in a way that it was created to function, was just so RIGHT. And the pursuit of natural birth literature and films consumed me.

Then I started reading books on the injustice of the medical system- the horrible things that drs do to their patients. Born in The USA, Pushed, The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, and others. I was angry- angry that I was lead around so easily, convinced that the drs really had my best interests at heart. People say “as long as you have a healthy baby” but why is my baby’s life more important then mine? I’m not a feminist, but I think I’m pretty important too. And who’s to say that I had healthy babies simply because they were born via c-section? They were in the NICU, they couldn’t nurse, my oldest has a terrible gag reflex from the tube shoved down her throat. What kind of sensory or psychological damage do they have? Don’t they deserve a physically and emotionally healthy mom too? And what right did the drs have to do this to us?

I fell into Birthing From Within and it was the same as above, with horrible stories of injustice and pain. But there was more- there was hope. There was healing, but before healing begins the wounds must open. And that’s when I began to grieve. That’s when I stopped reading these stories as OTHER women’s stories, and realized that they were MY story.

That’s when I stopped saying “she was delivered at__weeks” and said “She was taken from me.” I stopped saying “my c-section” and said instead “They cut me.” For the first time, I remembered my experiences with all the raw truth of what really happened. No wonder I suffered from PTSD! and all this time I thought it was merely because I felt out of control,
but in truth I was positively abused!

The hurt and pain was strong and throbbing. The tears were hot. But the anger and grief and pain are all necessary, because true healing can’t begin until you recognize the truth in the situation. When you recognize what really happened, what your part in it was, and how it truly affected you, then you can begin the turning process.

The Bible says that God gives beauty from ashes, and this was the
beginning of that.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for
ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit
of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the
planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3.

So now begins the joy. I can have joy that even if I need another section, it will be because I actually need it and is something I have chosen, not something forced on me. It will be because it IS the best for mom and babe, not because it lessens the chance of the dr getting sued. And I can finally embrace the healing.

sarah

a new baby!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, Uncategorized No Comments »

This is our first truly QF baby.  We had been using NFP but I was still nursing and my fertility signs were very inconsistent.  After two months of abstaining to avoid conception (which is not only unbiblical but unhealthy for a marriage) we came together the way the Creator of the Great Romance meant for husband and wife, and I concieved the very next day!  So during that pregnancy (2006/2007) we really began searching the Scriptures and although we had never heard of the Quiverfull movement, were moved that we were to trust God’s soveriegnty in all things, including childbirth, and that we should give our fertility (at the time, 4 children in 4 1/2 years was certainly fertile!) over to God.  We should ask Him to control EVERY area of our lives, and who better to trust with our family then the Lord?

In my research I stumbled upon a pagan website bashing a group called Quiverfull.  I went to the site and did some other searching (the Internet is such a marvelous invention.)  I was so excited to know that not only did other people feel the same way we did, there was actually a movement!  God is working mightily in His people.

So, this, our fifth, was our first baby concieved without any concern wither I would get pregnant.  It was so liberating to TRUST GOD!  Like with #2,3,4 I knew I was pregnant before I cold even take a test.  Paul suggested I not take a test and just wait and when I feel the baby move I’ll know I’m pregnant.  LOL  Well, given that I am now 17 weeks and still haven’t felt distinct movements I’m really glad I didn’t take his advice.

I was sicker in this pregnancy then I was with the others and noticed my uterus growing faster then normal.  I wondered if I was having twins.  My 5 YO started talking about twins.  So when I had my U/S at 6 weeks and the tech said it looked like twins, I wasn’t surprised!  But then she said she couldn’t find the other baby (just a sac.)  A 10 week ultrasound again revealed only one baby.  I have another scheduled next week so we’ll see.  I’ll upload ultrasound pics next week.

Blessings to all.

Sarah

new book

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF No Comments »

I can’t wait to read this!  It’s called Family Unplanning.  For information on how you might win the book, check out this blog.    For further information on the book, look at this website. Feel free to pass along the info!!

Blessings,

Sarah

PS- I know updates have been a long time coming but I was having trouble editing my page until today!

10 things I’m asked the most, and how I’d love to respond

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF No Comments »

1) Are they all yours?

A: No, I just love to go grocery shopping with four children ages four and under.  There’s nothing like the challenge of keeping everyone happy and cooperative while attempting to get everything on my list and everything I forgot to put on my list.  Don’t forget the process of loading all in their carseats, unloading them, walking to the store without getting squished by the cars, getting through the checkout line, back through the parking lot, and loaded back into the carseats, only to be unloaded again at home (and then unlaoding the groceries and getting them up the LOOOOONG walkway and into the house and into the fridge all while trying to keep the children from hurting each other and the baby from crying.  Oh yeah, I’m training for “Survivor!!!”

2) You have your hands full!

A-Not really,you should see me cooking dinner with a baby on my hip, my skirt pulled to my ankles because my 2 YO is pulling on it, and my 3 and 4 YOs screaming that so and so took such and such.  THEN my hands are full.  Right now they are just pushing a cart.

3)  Are you trying for a boy?

A- We are a part of a scientific study to see if all the old wives tales about gender are true.  As of yet we have not tried to have a boy, because we are still doing the girls’ studies, but hopefully in the next four years or so they will let us know it’s time for the boy studies.

4) Are you done yet?

A-  Well, I still have a lot more eggs and sperm available, so I don’t think so.

5) How many children do you WANT?!

A- The guiness book of world records is 22 children.  At the rate I am going I could have at least 24 before menopause!

6) (to my four year old) Are you not in school today?

A- no, we don’t believe in the confines of an education.  We believe that a child is at his best exploring his environment through play and we don’t want to squash that by teaching them things like how to read the alphabet and count.

7)They are so well behaved!

A- while I love to hear this it makes me wonder what it is that I am doing wrong at home! “Thank you.  I take parenting advice from nursery rhymes.  Remember the old woman who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn’t know what to do?”

8) Are they twins/triplets?  They all look just exactly alike!

A- Why yes, the oldest three are triplets but were born a year apart from each other.  I know, it’s hard to tell them apart, since they all have blue eyes (which is almost their only similar feature.)

9) You need to get a hobby!

A- Oh, we have a very nice hobby, and it burns calories too!

10) You do know what causes that, don’t you?

A- cock the head and very seriously reply “no, I don’t.  Could you please explain it to me?”

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, Home, QF No Comments »

I so enjoyed this blog written by a QF homeschholing preacher’s wife!

amen!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in QF No Comments »

I need to see if this book was published!

After eleven years of an active sex life and planning our children via the Ovulation Method (I don’t use a thermometer) I know when I ovulate. Having this knowledge now makes it difficult for us to let God decide when and how many children we should have. We feel as if this knowledge of how God designed our systems puts us in control.

How do I give up this knowledge? If I were on pills I’d throw them away. All those other methods too. I just can’t come to grips with this one.


Some friends of ours, Rick and Jan Hess, have written a book that answers this question beautifully! (It’s not published yet, or we’d be selling it. I’m pursuing a possible publisher right now-will tell you if it works out.) The Hesses point out that conception does NOT occur by “chance” or by random statistical processes (including time-of-month activity), according to the Bible, but that God sovereignly opens and shuts the womb as He pleases.Statistics are really just compilations of “what God has done in the past” and do not necessarily reflect what He will do in the future . . . or in your individual case. In other words, you may determine that today is a “fertile” day and yet not conceive on it, while another day that theoretically shouldn’t be fertile might be the day a baby is started!

No birth control method, NFP and other similar methods included, has 100% accuracy, for this very reason. God can always overrule our attempts at control-but it’s not terribly obedient to try to control our reproduction and hope God bails us out if we’ve made a wrong choice! A natural sex life acknowledges God’s sovereignty. “I am the handmaiden of the Lord; be it done to me according to Thy will,” as Mary, the mother of Jesus, said.

Why abortion is wrong even to save a life

Posted by: Sarah Trost in QF No Comments »

I have heard Christians say that abortion is wrong EXCEPT in the cases where the mother’s life is in danger. This has always been very concerning to me. Here’s an excellent article explaining why this is still wrong.

FIC

Posted by: Sarah Trost in church, Family, Homeschooling, QF No Comments »

Uniting Church and Family

Includes articles from Scott Brown and others on family integrated church.