send me a rainbow

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, Poems, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Send me a rainbow – Laura Story

Just to hold you, child.

Just to know you, child.

Just to hear you cry.

To look into your eyes.

Just to see you, child.

Just to touch you, child.

Pieces of me I will not see

This side of time.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now.

Let Jesus hold you, child.

For Jesus knows you child.

Let Jesus hush your cry.

Lord Jesus, please hush mine.

Send me a rainbow now.

Send me a rainbow now.

Cause only You know why

And only You know how.

Send me a rainbow now

The Silent Ride

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized 1 Comment »

On our way home from the hospital, it was so quiet. There was no happy chatter, no crying baby, no stops for diaper change or breastfeeding. There was complete and total silence.

I had another such ride yesterday. My husband has been sick since his appendectomy in Oct. He was sick and miserable at all my midwife apts and both times I went into labor. He’s seen by so many drs and had so many tests. And finally, we know what is wrong.

He had a colonoscopy yesterday to see if he was nicked during the appendectomy. It was a 15 minute procedure that took an hour. They finally called me back there and the dr came to speak with us. His face was pained. “I’m very sorry, this was not what I expected. It’s so rare. Not in men your age, I’ve only seen two cases.”

The dr said there’s a greater then 95% probability that he has cancer. We should know in the next couple of days.

My husband didn’t quite understand, and asked about his vacation. When the dr left I showed him the photos and the report and explained everything the dr said. Tears ran down his face.

My 30th birthday is Sunday. That is also Benjamin’s 6 month angelversary. And now I feel like I am morning the loss of my husband. Is that silly? Premature? I don’t know. But it’s not a happy birthday.

And again our ride home was silent. Completely and totally silent.

Missing Benjamin

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

The day before our scheduled cesarean our son, first grandson after 7 girls, was born still. I remember the ultrasound- the tech had a blank expression. I asked if he was alive, no reply. Is he ok, what’s wrong? You’d have to talk to the dr. I actually went into the c-section still not knowing if my baby was going to be ok. But he was still, and he had been moving frantically before (the reason I went to the hospital, that and a heartbeat deceleration.)

I woke from general anesthesia, and my husband handed me our son. He was so beautiful. A little prince. And not breathing.

I miss him.

My birthday will be on the sixth month anniversary of his death. I don’t think I will be doing much celebrating.

Breathing and blessing

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, doctrine and Biblical truths, Family, Sovereignty of God, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

Things are getting better. When you take a breath, you take in life, for without breath there is no life. Life is a gift. God is to be blessed for all His marvelous gifts, even when we don’t see a trial as a gift.

For most people, the death of a child causes such a strain that they divorce within a year. I don’t see that as happening with us. Our relationship is stronger then it has ever been. I feel that trials have worked much meekness in me, and I’m sure that helps! I’ve been enjoying Nancy Leigh Demoss’s series on Meekness. I find it so encouraging and hope that women really take the series to heart. Although, as she pointed out, you can’t become meek by will power! Meekness is, well, a gift worked out in you as you are buffed in the rock tumbler. Gems only become gems after a great deal of buffing!

So I inhale and exhale and bless God for my life, and the life of my son. No, he is not living here with me, but he does have life, and as the Scriptures say, life more abundantly! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

babies everywhere

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Right after I had Benjamin I had a WIC apt. There aren’t usually more then two babies there and not usually brand new ones. I wasn’t worried. But this time the room was PACKED with women ALL with BRAND NEW BABY BOYS!!! Most of them were teens, too. It was so hard. I was just a wreck. It took every bone in my body to not stand up and say “My baby just died. If any of you don’t want yours, I’d be happy to take him.” When the nutritionist found out that my baby had died she felt awful about the fourty minutes or more I was forced to sit with all those newborn boys. She offered me to stay in the back while they finished my stuff up.

I don’t hate pregnant women, but when they complain I want to shake them. No, I want to choke them. It infuriates me. When they talk about wanting the baby to be born NOW I tell them they should cherish EVERY MOMENT. Life is fragile. That’s all the time I had with Benjamin, when he was inside of me. I would do absolutely anything to have him inside me again. I want to run up to every pregnant woman and tell her “I know that you think one day soon you will have a little squirming baby in your arms. But that day may never come. You may never see a smiling face or open eyes. So enjoy each kick and each movement because it may be all that you have. DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Don’t think that just because you are past 12 weeks you aren’t likely to loose your baby. Don’t think that at 26 weeks you now have a viable baby. Don’t think at 36/37 weeks the baby wouldn’t be in the NICU. Because YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A LIVING, BREATHING BABY AT ALL! You may end up with an empty bed.

Oil of Joy for Mourning

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Family, QF, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Submission, Uncategorized No Comments »

When I first started looking into having a VBAC it was at the urging of the Holy Spirit. I was concerned because my OBGYN had been insistent that I could never have a head down baby, I could never deliver a full term baby, and that most VBACs end in rupture and most ruptures end in dead babies and mommies. We prayed that God would heal my uterus, but healing never came. And instead the gentle prodding “What if I tell you to do this for me, even without the healing, would you?” I stammered my response but couldn’t shake this was from God, because it happened at the very moment that a previous prophetic dream was unfolding before my eyes in a dramatic situation at church. I knew that not only was this God, but that God was asking something of me I wasn’t willing to give. Myself. My baby. Crazy to think- because I’m quiverfull! But as the week progressed God changed my heart and I found myself giving up everything for Him. Although I now had faith, my approach was then turned to purely scientific- what is best for mom and baby? I felt strongly that I was being lead to research it, and as I read the studies and commentaries written by doctors such as Birth After Cesarean, I became heavily convicted that the VBAC IS the logical and, in comparison to multiple cesareans, SAFE choice.

But then as time passed I became excited at the opportunity to experience natural birth. I know, many women think that is silly as it
is painful and just a means to an end. But as a very natural- earthy person the idea of doing what my body is MEANT to do, to deliver in a way that it was created to function, was just so RIGHT. And the pursuit of natural birth literature and films consumed me.

Then I started reading books on the injustice of the medical system- the horrible things that drs do to their patients. Born in The USA, Pushed, The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, and others. I was angry- angry that I was lead around so easily, convinced that the drs really had my best interests at heart. People say “as long as you have a healthy baby” but why is my baby’s life more important then mine? I’m not a feminist, but I think I’m pretty important too. And who’s to say that I had healthy babies simply because they were born via c-section? They were in the NICU, they couldn’t nurse, my oldest has a terrible gag reflex from the tube shoved down her throat. What kind of sensory or psychological damage do they have? Don’t they deserve a physically and emotionally healthy mom too? And what right did the drs have to do this to us?

I fell into Birthing From Within and it was the same as above, with horrible stories of injustice and pain. But there was more- there was hope. There was healing, but before healing begins the wounds must open. And that’s when I began to grieve. That’s when I stopped reading these stories as OTHER women’s stories, and realized that they were MY story.

That’s when I stopped saying “she was delivered at__weeks” and said “She was taken from me.” I stopped saying “my c-section” and said instead “They cut me.” For the first time, I remembered my experiences with all the raw truth of what really happened. No wonder I suffered from PTSD! and all this time I thought it was merely because I felt out of control,
but in truth I was positively abused!

The hurt and pain was strong and throbbing. The tears were hot. But the anger and grief and pain are all necessary, because true healing can’t begin until you recognize the truth in the situation. When you recognize what really happened, what your part in it was, and how it truly affected you, then you can begin the turning process.

The Bible says that God gives beauty from ashes, and this was the
beginning of that.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for
ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit
of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the
planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3.

So now begins the joy. I can have joy that even if I need another section, it will be because I actually need it and is something I have chosen, not something forced on me. It will be because it IS the best for mom and babe, not because it lessens the chance of the dr getting sued. And I can finally embrace the healing.


Jehova Rapha

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

Poor Paul has been sick since October.  He had an appendectomy and complications in the hospital that led a 24 hour stay to a full week.  Ever since then, every 2-3 weeks he runs a fever (103-104) for 2-4 days.  He feels awful during the fever, but no other symptoms. He is just wiped out during the illness and can’t really do anything (hopefully he won’t be sick while I’m in labor!)  He’s not contagious, it’s something related to the surgery.

This is really terrible, and he hasn’t been diagnosed yet.  His Dr seems to be dragging his heels.

Please pray for his diagnosis and his healing.


33 1/2 weeks and counting

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

My first was delivered (via dumb doctors and lots of unneccesary interventions) at only 32 weeks, an ’emergency’ c-section.  My second was born at 34 weeks (I was in preterm labor, dilated almost to an 8, over 80% effaced…but breech so they did another c-section.) My third was born at 36 weeks, scheduled c-section because of early dilation and at 37 weeks (I was dilated only to a 1.)

I also had preterm labor at 26-28 weeks with the first three so I always get a little nervous around this time.  I’m taking Crinone, a natural progesterone cream, like I did with my fourth.  So far, so good!  I didn’t start having regular contractions until I was 36 weeks with her.  If I can make it to AT LEAST 36 weeks then I can proceed with the home birth.

Which brings us to something else I haven’t blogged about.  I did find another OB, but he can’t do a VBAC after 4 sections.  Neither can the birth centers.  So, we are planning a home birth!  My midwife has delivered many VBACs, her first one was with a mama who’d had four previous c-sections as well.

Besides gestational age, another concern is the baby’s presentation.  So far, he’s been head down most of the time, since Christmas!  That’s very encouraging.

I’ve been reading like carazy and I’ll post a book list.  I feel like the more I know the more confident that this IS something I can do!!  When you’ve not had the opportunity to give birth vaginally and you hear all kinds of horror stories and people think that c-sections are much ‘easier’ you aren’t quite sure what to expect.  And I guess that’s one thing I’ve leared in the last few weeks also- expect nothing!  It might be painful, it might be orgasmic.  It might be calm and peaceful or I might do a bit of yelling.  🙂  I might push in the bath, or in the bed, or on the toilet, or maybe squatting on the floor.  I may walk the wooded trails for hours or find myself glued to the pool.  I might even go outside and hang on the swing set!

I am very excited at the prospect of delivering in a comfortable home enviroment, have my baby with me at all times, and then go home WITHOUT surgical complications and WITHOUT a 4 day hospital stay and NICU.

I’d appreciate your prayers!

update on church search

Posted by: Sarah Trost in church, doctrine and Biblical truths, Uncategorized No Comments »

I had mentioned in October of last year that we visited a small FIC church.  Well, we ended up joining a large baptist FIC and attended for a good while, helping them to become more family integrated.  But we had some problems with things the pastor taught and our primary purpose for going there was for Paul to learn about pastoring a church, which wasn’t really happening.  And when the only other married, homeschooling lady there (the church is mostly elderly folks) told me that God told her that I should have a tubal ligation, that pretty much sealed the deal and we left.  We are back at that small FIC I mentioned.  The people are friendly and generally seem in line with our values.  The men in the church are very emotional, which is a refreshing change from some of the staunchness and ungratefulness (to Grace) we have experienced in the free will churches we have been attending.  They do believe in election, which I am certain has a great deal to do with the tender and broken attitude, but I think the fact that most of the congregation are new believers has even more to do with it.

We are grateful to be there and although we don’t know how long God may have us there we always bloom where we are planted and I’m seeking as to how God wants me to serve the Church.

in silence we cry

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Poems, Uncategorized No Comments »

part 1, by Sarah Trost

in silence we cry
and you do not hear

in silence we die
and you do not care

when is it called life, this life that I live?
When my heart beats?  When I can breathe the air that you breathe?
I’m alive NOW, why won’t you believe?

you may say that you care
that I am dying here

you may fain interest
and even shed a tear

update on Baby Joy

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

The last post I wrote about her was about her continuing illnesses following vaccinations.  She had been ill after her 2 and 4 month vaccines but the 4 month ones affected her more severely.  So I had them give her only half of the vaccines for six months and she was so seriously ill I wondered if she should go to the hospital.  She saw four doctors who all said it was normal that she had been sick for so many months, including weird symptoms they couldn’t explain such as boils in the throat.  When it finally ran through her system I did not return for more vaccines and she has been relatively healthy ever since!  But finding a new pediatrician has proven difficult given that they insist that all patients be caught up to date on their vaccines.  I found two pediatricians that said that since the baby got the MOST IMPORTANT vaccines they would be OK with waiting till she’s two to give her the rest, but the new baby would have to get the “required” vaccines.

A friend had a recomendation of a family practitioner who I plan to speak with before the new baby is born, I was just waiting on our new insurance to be finalized so I know which plan I have.

This has been a very difficult year- my aunt died suddenly, a friend died suddenly, we were in the accident, Hurrican Ike, the pregnancy and possible loss of a twin, illnesses with the baby, difficulty in finding a pediatrician and OBGYN, and change in insurance.  But I know that God is faithful and I am holding onto my faith in Him!!

a new baby!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Family, QF, Sovereignty of God, Uncategorized No Comments »

This is our first truly QF baby.  We had been using NFP but I was still nursing and my fertility signs were very inconsistent.  After two months of abstaining to avoid conception (which is not only unbiblical but unhealthy for a marriage) we came together the way the Creator of the Great Romance meant for husband and wife, and I concieved the very next day!  So during that pregnancy (2006/2007) we really began searching the Scriptures and although we had never heard of the Quiverfull movement, were moved that we were to trust God’s soveriegnty in all things, including childbirth, and that we should give our fertility (at the time, 4 children in 4 1/2 years was certainly fertile!) over to God.  We should ask Him to control EVERY area of our lives, and who better to trust with our family then the Lord?

In my research I stumbled upon a pagan website bashing a group called Quiverfull.  I went to the site and did some other searching (the Internet is such a marvelous invention.)  I was so excited to know that not only did other people feel the same way we did, there was actually a movement!  God is working mightily in His people.

So, this, our fifth, was our first baby concieved without any concern wither I would get pregnant.  It was so liberating to TRUST GOD!  Like with #2,3,4 I knew I was pregnant before I cold even take a test.  Paul suggested I not take a test and just wait and when I feel the baby move I’ll know I’m pregnant.  LOL  Well, given that I am now 17 weeks and still haven’t felt distinct movements I’m really glad I didn’t take his advice.

I was sicker in this pregnancy then I was with the others and noticed my uterus growing faster then normal.  I wondered if I was having twins.  My 5 YO started talking about twins.  So when I had my U/S at 6 weeks and the tech said it looked like twins, I wasn’t surprised!  But then she said she couldn’t find the other baby (just a sac.)  A 10 week ultrasound again revealed only one baby.  I have another scheduled next week so we’ll see.  I’ll upload ultrasound pics next week.

Blessings to all.


To Vote or Not TO Vote

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Today in the News, Uncategorized No Comments »

I hate the phrase to vote for the lesser of two evils. I despise it. I don’t want to vote for ANY evil. I don’t care if it’s the ‘responsible’ thing to do. So call me irresponsible- but to vote for someone you STRONGLY do not agree with (and if you haven’t thoroughly researched it you can’t possibly know) because he is the ‘lesser of two evils.’

For those of you who do this, you repulse me. Stand by your convictions. Your vote or lack there of WILL NOT PUT SOMEONE ELSE IN OFFICE as what is meant to be will be. Vote your convictions. Maybe if more people voted their convictions this world would be a different place. Most people I have talked to say they don’t like either Obama or Mccain but will vote for one of them because to do otherwise would throw their vote to the ‘wrong’ candidate.


OK, so I know that the electoral college is a key part of this issue but if their vote is all that matters, VOTE YOU CONVICTIONS. Come on. Do it for yourself. Do it for you country. And in the end, what will be will be. You can’t change the outcome, all you can change is your own actions.

This post might incite some flaming but so be it, because I say and do as I am convicted, not based on what others think!

great illusion

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I saw this couple on Oprah and so enjoyed them! They were on another show and here is a video clip from it (they have improved since then.)

malediction: a curse

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

Interesting blog on abortion from which I copied the words of Kemper Crabb’s anti-abortion song from a band called Atomic Opera:

Lyrics: Kemper Crabb
Music: Kemper Crabb & Frank Hart

The judges sat outside the Law
And in their pride no evil saw
In setting teeth to Satan’s jaw
And feeding him our children.
When viewed in terms of cost and ease
An unborn child is a disease
A holocaust seen fit to please
Our own convience.
A curse A curse the Law it cries.
A curse a curse on mankind’s pride.
A curse on him who would deny
God’s image in mankind.
Torn from out their mother’s womb
Denied the sky – denied a tomb
Conceived in lust to their own ruin
A sacrifice to pleasure.
The doctors with their blood red hands
Who love their money more than man,
With greed their god they lay their plans
The butchers of mankind.
A curse a curse the blood cries out
A curse a curse the heavens shout
A curse a curse on he who flouts
God’s image in mankind.
O rid us of this evil, Lord
And turn our hearts by cross or Sword.
Our nation cannot long afford
To live beneath your judgements.
A curse a curse upon their heads
O save them Lord or slay them dead
And fill our country with your Dread
And turn away Your anger.

looking for a HC and family integrated friendly church

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized 1 Comment »

I have been very forward in my emails to churches looking for a place to
visit. Five people have replied to my many emails. I said in my emails that we are looking for a reformed church that would be accepting of large families and women who cover per 1 Corinthians 11.  I was so forward because I don’t want to go to a church for a time and find that they just don’t accept us. We have four small children and that’s not
good for them to skip around.

Of those  emails I received, one was the wife of a Rabbi who does
not believe that women need to cover to pray but said some women do
cover in their congregation. She was somewhat kind, but told me that they are there for Jews and their gentile spouses and she hopes we find something (IOW the general gentile population are not welcome.) Another response  was a lady who said that although they
don’t cover because it is a liberty from the law (I haven’t replied to
that yet, still praying how the Lord wants me to approach it) we would
be welcome.  Another was from a pastor who said that it was written to the church at Corinth only, not for us.  So, does he not believe we should follow the principals at all in first Corinthians because it was written to that particular church?  How much more of the Bible should we throw out then?  I do plan on responding to that.  That was the worst reply I could imagine hearing from a pastor.  Another pastor said “Well I think the
women would be surprised but please visit!!”

We went to that church Sunday. They are family integrated
sovereign grace which is something we’ve looked for. Everyone in the
church are related except the pastor’s family. It’s a fairly new
church. They were very nice and seemed fine about my scarf. There is a QF lady in the church but the other ladies are her daughters and it is unclear wither they agree about birth control.
We liked the church a lot, although I don’t know that my husband would agree to go to it full time.  He didn’t like the fact that they don’t believe in the gifts of the spirit.

Well, the Lord knows what he is doing, even when we don’t.


Is that a MAN?!?

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized 1 Comment »

My response to this article

First off, I enjoyed your satirical, disrespectful article. I found it very offensive and it made me laugh. I know, I’m weird. I wanted to comment on ” This means that female employees would have to endure both systematic sexual harassment and a hostile work environment by being forced to share bathroom facilities with any male employee who got his jollies from wearing a dress.”

Well, I did work with someone who was very obviously a man in a dress. When he/she walked into the bathroom the other women ran out making negative comments “isn’t that a MAN?!” I saw the pain on his face- very real pain. He had a lady’s name, lady’s clothes, boobs, and a decent figure. He wasn’t even an ugly man. Heck, for all I know he was a masculine looking woman. Where was he supposed to go to the bathroom? The men wouldn’t let him in there. In fact, they might beat him up or even kill him.

The women, according to this article, were being sexually harrassed by him being in the lady’s bathroom. I didn’t feel harassed. He dreaded going to the bathroom. But this was his payment for being different? This is what he must endure for CHOOSING to dress like a woman? Are we, the Christian community, so arrogant as to say that we must persecute every person for living a lifestyle that we don’t agree with? Yes, he dressed like a woman and yes, according to the Bible we must have very distinctly different looks. But is this any reason to torture him like that?

He’s not even a Christian. He has much bigger issues then wither or not he wears a dress. I, by the way, had lunch with this person nearly every day while we shared an office. No one else would, and I felt called to be his friend. I never once spoke about his masculine chin or occasionally lopsided boobs. And he never once complained about my witnessing to him because I was the only one who embraced HIM without making fun of him, rediculing him or persecuting him. I’m not saying that we are to embrace their sin, but I think that God was able to minister to him much more through me as I showed love and compassion to him then if I showed hate and hostility.


beware of the mousetrap

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

I received this forward today and really liked it.

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
open a package.

What food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to
discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr.Mouse, I
can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the
house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is
nothing I can do about it but pray. “Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin
off my nose.” So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house — like the sound
of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did
not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital ,
and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer
took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit
with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to
provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in
the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t
concern you, remember — when one of us is threatened, we are all at

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out
for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.