Ugh….not again

Posted by: Sarah Trost in cancer, health No Comments »

A little background, with links to the blog posts in the highlighted phrases. On Sept 2, 2009, just a few months after our son died, Paul had a colonoscopy looking for the cause of his mysterious ongoing symptoms he had for about 10 months.  Although the biopsy came back negative, we were pretty sure it was cancer.  On Sept 16 I announced my pregnancy as well as updated the results of Paul’s surgery. In October I began to miscarry.

There is a serious lack of info about what those months were like during chemo.  Perhaps because I didn’t have the physical or emotional energy to write about it. On November 14 I posted about my ectopic twin and emergency delivery.  Chemo was hell, and that post gave a little information about the affects of chemo.  It was three hours a day, three days a week, and he came home with the pump hooked up.  It was hard for him to sleep.  Eating helped his nausea but he was very picky about what he would eat because a lot of stuff tasted terrible.  Cold things were painful, he needed warmed water/tea and couldn’t eat fresh fruits and veggies because of their temperature.  After 7  months he was joyfully finished and scans showed no cancer.  He was declared in remission in 2011 I believe.

It is now April, 2012.  Paul has had 7 months or so of ongoing and increasing issues in the area where they removed the tumor.  He had a PET scan which confirmed that the tumor is there and growing.  The chemo didn’t work.  They have not done a biopsy but it doesn’t take a biopsy to know that he has cancer. The prognosis is not good.  They don’t seem to know what to do. He seems depressed, angry, upset, and hopeless.  I think those are all very normal feelings.  I just don’t know what to say to make it better, because really NOTHING will make it better.

And how am I feeling?  I wrote this to a bunch of doulas.  I’m sorry about the type, I’m having trouble enlarging it.

“I just want to take a moment right here to scream and stomp and yell and throw virtual breakables and let them shatter all over the virtual floor. I have had ENOUGH! This is ridiculous. Many have experienced rape (some multiple times) and many have had the loss of a child (or children) and some have had birth trauma (perhaps more then once) and perhaps PTSD, infertility, and many have lost a parent or grandparent to cancer and some have had a spouse with cancer (perhaps several times) but SERIOUSLY? Come on. Does one person really have to go through ALL of it? “This will make you a stronger person” “you will have more empathy” blah blah blah. I’m already strong, I have plenty of empathy, I don’t need MORE crap to make me a better person. ENOUGH ALREADY.”


It’s been a while

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I haven’t known how to blog about this. There’s so much joy, anxiety, concern, relief….what can I say, how can I adequately describe it?

Pregnancy after loss is a delicate topic. Those who have had losses but no subsequent living pregnancies (like me for the last three years) may feel jealous, angry, sad. Those who have not had a loss may not understand the significance of such a joyful and scary time. And then there are those who have so much internal conflict over what happened with my losses, and the fact that I nearly died twice, that they are, have been, or will be, upset about me being pregnant again.

And yet, here I am, already 17 weeks. We didn’t think it could happen. We had given up. Our youngest living child is now five years old! In fact, I’ve been giving my baby things away so others could use them. We are amazed, humbled, and sometimes scared out of our minds.

I will try to write more later about what it is like having a “rainbow baby.” What the term means, why it’s difficult to use, and what my delivery plans are. But I think I’ll leave this post as it stands.

Yes, I’m pregnant. We stand in awe.

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

“Always” lyrics

“I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taut and her eyes were filled and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, “He would have been three today. I miss his smile. I miss his face.”
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain
And his promise remains.
He will be with you always”

It’s already been three years. I never saw him smile, except in my dreams. It was only in a dream when I saw his eyes open, felt his chest move as he breathed. Some have told me “At least he didn’t die AFTER he was born” as though that is some consolation. As though it hurts my heart less. It doesn’t. I miss him, and I never really got to know him.

Cloth diaper give away!

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

Go here for directions!

Sanp EZ

A dream

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

I haven’t had a dream relating to child loss in a long time. At least, I don’t remember one. But this morning I did. Someone’s child had died and there was a memorial, sort of like Snow White, ya know? A glass box in a public place. The body was lightly covered in dirt, so that you could see the form of the child, a young girl, lying there. Beautiful white flowers that never died were scattered across the dirt and a few items in the memorial revealed who this little girl was.

The father was there, as well as another grieving father missing his little girl. They were angry. They began to fist fight, there in the square. One had a firefighter’s uniform, the other wore a police uniform. They rolled up their sleeves and were at it. I thought that was a good thing, to get all that anger out on each other. As men seem to do…that physical impact that seems to do something for the soul, a release.

In the center of the square was a beautiful fountain, the kind that was ground level, that children could play in. This was also a memorial, for the other little girl who had died. I went to the fountain and kneeled down and saw blood, knowing that is where she was buried. I heard a voice, a child singing, and then saw her face, an image in the red water bubbling up. Instinctually, I kneeled and laid belly down in the fountain, my womb on top of her image. As though she was reincarnated, taking life from my womb, she was now standing next to me, alive and whole. It was amazing. And I didn’t want to give her up. She was naked, this new life who was not an infant. I rubbed my swollen belly, sorry that for some reason I didn’t get to enjoy the experience of pregnancy with her. My bare breast nourished her, though, and I was content in that.

What a weird dream. Disturbing, and yet beautiful too.

It feels like Yesterday

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

It feels like yesterday….when my little boy’s heart stopped beating.

It feels like yesterday….when I recieved his beautiful burial gown in the mail. I felt it ironic, that it looked so much like a christening gown. We would not be standing to
dedicate him before the church, instead he would be put in the ground, before the same congregation.

It feels like only yesterday….when my husband and I knelt on his fresh grave, alone, weeping that we didn’t have more time with him and that little time we did have was stolen. My mom, watching the children, had no idea we stopped at the cemetery, and we had to hurry. She hurried us off at the funeral, too, insisting we HAD to leave immediately following the ceremony, so we could greet our guests back at the house. You can’t hurry grief.

It feels like only yesterday….that I painfully packed away his clothes, amazed that it had already been six months since we buried him.

And, it feels like yesterday…when we went to the cemetery with 6 baby blue balloons with notes written on them, “Letters to Benjamin.” We released them into the sky, missing him on the 1 year anniversary of his leaving us.

It feels like just yesterday, and yet March 8 will be two years since his Heavenly Birthday. While it’s only October, I realize with sadness that it feels like only tomorrow, when we will be back at the cemetery with balloons, yet again.

National Pregnancy and Infant loss Rememberance Day

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what’s been done,
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Glory Baby

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

healing and empowerment

Posted by: Sarah Trost in childbirth, stillbirth/pregnancy loss, Uncategorized No Comments »

Back in November I was suffering the loss of my much desired set of twins. I discovered that for me, pregnancy and birth brought the words death, pain, tears, empty arms, grief, as I posted here.

Well, I am very pleased to say that is no longer the case! There has definitely been a lot of healing in my heart since then.

A woman does not need a beautiful waterbirth to feel empowered, nor a VBAC to find healing from the trauma of her previous deliveries.

Empowerment comes from knowing her options, and making those choices with confidence that it is the best decision at the time. Essentially,
empowerment is taking ownership of ones actions.

Healing comes from inward reflection, mentally and emotionally walking through the fire of confusion and fear and finding clarity. She recognizes that no matter what alternative choices she could have made in the past, she embraces the future with hope that things could be different for herself and others.

Parental Rights Under Threat

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy, Homeschooling, Uncategorized No Comments »

If your children attend public school, you are among those parents whose rights will end the moment your child enters the school. That’s because in 2005 the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals found in Fields v. Palmdale School District “that the Meyer-Pierce right [of parents to direct the upbringing of their children] does not exist beyond the threshold of the school door.”

You read that right. Parental Rights “[do] not exist beyond the threshold of the school door.”

“We conclude that the parents are possessed of no constitutional right to prevent the public schools from providing information on the subject [of sexuality] to their students in any forum or manner they select” (emphasis added).

Of course, most parents contend they don’t have a choice in where their children are schooled. Either economic constraints or personal circumstances leave them with no practical alternative to the local public school. And that leaves no parental rights at all.

Please act to reverse this assault by big government courts against parental rights. Sign the petition and get more information at

miracle gym

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Being Mommy No Comments »

I’ve been going to the YMCA for about 6 months now.  I feel much healthier and more fit and LOVE it.  I’m up to lifting around 35,000 pounds per workout and 75 minutes of cardio.

My 7 year old still hasn’t gotten it yet, though.  Even after six months…yesterday as we left the gym Kailey asked “So mommy, how much weight did you loose this time?”

“I didn’t loose any, Kailey, it doesn’t happen that fast.”

“Oh, so I guess you didn’t weigh yourself, then?”

haha, oh sweet naive children.  If only the YMCA really WAS a miracle gym!!

Another loss among my rupture group

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »

May 6, 2010
Wyatt Lee Hayden
Jan. 12, 2010 – May 4, 2010

ANDERSON, Ind. — Wyatt Lee Hayden, 16 weeks, went to be with Jesus on May 4, 2010.

He was born Jan. 12, 2010, in Muncie.

He is survived by his parents, Collin and Nichole (Adams) Hayden; sisters, Autumn and Avery Hayden; grandparents, Gary Adams, Jama Martin, Jeff Hayden and Holly Hayden; great-grandmother, Betty Becker; several aunts, uncles and cousins.

He was preceded in death by his infant brother, Arthur James Hayden, May 21, 2008.

Visitation will be from 10 to 11 a.m. Friday at Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson. Services will follow at 11 a.m. with the Rev. Gary Woodring officiating.

Memorial contributions may be made in his name in care of Landmark Baptist Church, 1924 W. Cross St., Anderson, IN 46011 for a memorial.

Online condolences: or

pretty as a picture

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Aspies, autism/asperger's, Being Mommy, Family No Comments »

My girls always make the funniest faces (unintentionally) in their
photographs. I’ve tried having them practice in front of a mirror and it just
doesn’t work. So now this is what I do:

I tell them to close their eyes. When their face looks calm and relaxed I tell
them to think of (an ice cream sunday, their favorite video game, whatever you
can think of that will bring a smile to their faces.) When I see that natural
smile I get ready to snap the picture and then I tell them to open their eyes.
Perfect picture almost every time!

an aspie son interviews mom

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Aspies, autism/asperger's, Being Mommy, Family, Homeschooling No Comments »

myths vs facts: home VBAC

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

Free Pictures |“The well-known Landon (10) and Bujold (11) studies, which failed to control for induction of labor and may have had selection bias, also both showed a connection between induction and uterine rupture risk.

When I spoke with Dr. Landon at the 2007 ICAN conference he freely admitted this connection and had even addressed it in a further study on VBAC after multiple cesareans, which was published in 2006.(12) In an e-mail communication, Dr. Bujold also agreed that induction of labor was found to increase the uterine rupture rate.(13) My conclusion: Avoid induction and you remove a major part of the risk.”

Which is what I have found in my rupture support group. Nearly all of them were induced and almost all of them, of course, were in hospitals when they ruptured.

” In women with lower transverse uterine incisions who are not induced, the chances of uterine rupture range from 0.2% to 0.5%… The Lieberman birth center study of VBAC (2004) showed that the combined uterine rupture and fetal/neonatal death rate among women with a single previous c-section and who were less than 42 weeks was 0.2%.(16) That study also found that “half the uterine ruptures and 57% of perinatal deaths involved the 10% of women who had had more than one previous cesarean delivery and no previous vaginal births, or who had reached a gestational age of 42 weeks+.”(17)”

This proves how extremely important it is that the VBAC studies specify wither the mother was induced and what induction methods were used. If nearly all of the ruptures are because of induction and the remainder from VBAMC, it’s a terrible shame that these facts affect the ability of a woman to have a vaginal delivery after one cesarean, particularly with a prior vaginal birth, who has not been induced. Her chances of rupture are almost nothing, perhaps even less then the chance of a non scarred uterus of rupturing during a typical induction. Yet, women are induced all the time and women who desire a VBAC are turned away by the very same doctors.

And in the end, a possible 1% rupture rate of a VBAMC with no induction is still the same stat as many other birth risks, such as placental abruption which almost always causes fetal demise.

My beautiful dream

Posted by: Sarah Trost in childbirth No Comments »

Free Pictures |

I had such a beautiful dream the other night. I was in a home I was
unfamiliar with and with people I don’t actually know. There was a very
pregnant mother and her little girl and her husband and father. Someone
was there with me though I can’t remember who she was. The family were
in a bedroom and I was preparing a snack for them. The woman with me
was concerned that the father was in the room and suggested I tell him
to leave. So I went into the bedroom and saw him kneeling next to the
beautiful laboring woman with perspiration on her forehead as she lay in
a bed with her husband by her side. I told her father that I left
something in the kitchen and asked him to get it for me. When he left I
asked her if she wanted her father to stay out of the bedroom and tears
filled her eyes.

She said that it so blessed her that he remained knelt at her bedside
praying for her and the baby while she labored and that she definitely
wanted him to stay! When he returned I told them I would be in the
living room, holler if they need me. I explained to my (assistant?)
that he was offering emotional and spiritual support to his daughter
which was worth all the hympnobirthing and epidurals in the world and to
leave them alone.

Later it sounded like the baby was coming so I went and stood at the
door listening and waiting. The little girl made some exclamations. A
little while later I heard the baby! Still, I waited until I was
wanted. The baby’s father opened the door and put in my arms a precious
baby bundled up in a blanket, so fresh and new and wet. She looked at
me with wide, dark eyes. It was a wonderful moment, and I woke.

Jesus Our Passover by David Benjamin (republished)

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

The Passover Seder (the word “Seder” means “order”) is a celebration ordained by God to remember the deliverance of the Hebrew nation from slavery in Egypt. However, for a Messianic Jew like me, that is, a Jew who follows Jesus, this celebration takes on another meaning as well. For on this day we celebrate that not only did the Hebrews of old escape death but so do we.

Passover takes place on the 14th day of the first month of the Jewish calendar which is called Nissan, usually coming around the end of March or the beginning of April.

If you are new to the Jewish understanding of Christianity, you probably do not know that all Jewish Holy Days, like Passover, are also prophetic. This one in particular bears a prophesy that has been in effect for the entire history of mankind; a Savior will rescue us from the curse of death brought on by sin.

Passover is the story of the spotless (signifying sinless) lamb slain to save all those who place its blood on the doorposts and lintels of their houses. The whole meaning of the celebration is summed up in its name. Passover, literally means “pass over” and so it is “the celebration of the passing over”. The enslaved Israelites in Egypt were told to swipe the blood of a lamb over and to the side posts of their door way. That way, the angel of death would “pass over” that house. The prophesy given by Passover is this: The saving of man from the judgment of God via the blood of a perfect sacrifice.

The fulfillment of this prophecy begins as Jesus enters Jerusalem to the praise of the people. At this time, during the traditional celebration of Passover, a spotless lamb would be brought into the temple and would have been inspected for blemishes for the next four days. Similarly, for the next four days Jesus is tested by the Pharisees and still none can find him at fault. He is spotless.

On the eve of Passover Jesus and the disciples celebrate the Holy Day just like any other law abiding Jews. Near the end of the Seder meal Jesus institutes the Communion declaring of the matzo and wine, “Do this in Remembrance of Me.”

That night Jesus is taken by the Pharisees. He endures torture, beatings, illegal Jewish trials and a Roman sentence before being led to Calvary. It is the ninth hour of the morning when Jesus is nailed to the cross. At this exact time in the traditional Passover celebration the spotless lamb is sacrificed in the temple. Not a bone of the lamb was to be broken, and none were, in either Jesus or the lamb. The prophecy is complete.

It is no mystery that John the Baptist said of Jesus, “Behold, the Lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world.” Jesus was and is forever the Spotless Passover Lamb of God. This year, even if you are not from a Jewish background, I encourage you to search out a Messianic Seder. Your relationship with the Lord will be deepened as you relive the Lord’s last supper and understand the long history and fulfilled prophecy behind the sacrifice of the Lamb.

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Taken by angel mommy in Puerta Valarta

Thank you!!!

Be happy and whole, dear Jacob

Posted by: Sarah Trost in Uncategorized No Comments »

A friend of mine recently lost her little boy, Jacob, to a tumor on his brain stem.  Please join me in praying for his family, as it is those who are left behind who feel the pain and sting of death.  Those with Jesus are eternally glorified and I’m sure he’s excited to get to know his “big” sister.

TAYLOR, Jacob Matthew age 9 of Deer Park, Ohio passed peacefully Sunday morning, March 21, 2010 at home with his family by his side. Born August 17, 2000 in Cincinnati, Ohio, Jacob was the son of Ryan and Tiffany (Taylor) Hering and a 4th grade student at Amity Elementary School in Deer Park. Jacob was a loving son, brother and grandson who enjoyed playing football (an avid New England Patriots fan) and playing video games. In May of 2009, Jacob was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor called a brain stem glioma or a Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma. In the months to follow his diagnosis, Jacob made several exciting trips – his Make A Wish Trip to Disney World, a trip to Alaska, a trip to the Sugar Bowl and to a New England Patriots Play-Off Game where he sat 5 rows back from Tom Brady. Jacob was a member of the U.S. Skydiving Team and U.S. Parachute Association. Preceded in death by his baby sister Abigail; Jacob leaves behind his loving and caring parents – Ryan and Tiffany (Taylor) Hering, brothers – Nathan and Sam and sister Molly all of Deer Park, Ohio; maternal grandmother Kathy Taylor of Loveland, Ohio, maternal grandfather Russ (Joanne) Taylor; maternal great grandparents Bill and Cheri Jones; uncle Jeffrey Taylor and many other family members, classmates, friends and neighbors. Friends may call on the family Tuesday evening, March 23, 2010 from 4:30pm until 6:30pm at the Fellowship Baptist Church in Maineville, Ohio. Funeral services will be held at 7:00pm at the church with Pastors Ron Corbin and Barbara Schnecker officiating. The family has requested memorial donations be directed to The Cure Starts Now, 10280 Chester Road, Cincinnati, Ohio 45215. The family also wishes to thank the doctors and staff of Childrens Medical Center, Cincinnati for their compassionate care and the Fast Trax Skydiving Team for their special friendship with Jacob. Arrangements have been entrusted to STINE Kilburn Funeral Home, 801 Monroe Road, Lebanon, Ohio 45036. More information about Jacob`s story may be found by visiting

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Posted by: Sarah Trost in stillbirth/pregnancy loss No Comments »