Welcome to my microcosm

Although I’m allergic to milk, I do loooove chocolate milk. But the fact is that unless you make it yourself, it’s really bad for you. Sugar is very bad for your health, and many of them have high fructose corn syrup, which is even worse! Well, there is a new campaign sweeping the nations most popular online mommy groups, in hand magazines ect. Pediatricians, dietitians and celebrities are getting involved in the possible ban of chocolate milk from schools and presenting the argument that if we don’t flavor the milk, the children won’t drink it and will have poorer nutrician.

Of course, the fact that you are adding an additional 70 calories per 236 ml and the fact that they often are sweetened with HFCS (doubling the sugar content in the process) is something completely embraced as an acceptable risk due to the ‘health benefits’ of chocolate milk.

The ’science’ behind it states that we should add sugar to nutrient rich foods such as milk and cereal to make them more palatable as well as other skewed facts and ideas. This is atrocious! It’s like putting on the Cocoa Krispies box that it improves immunity (they actually did that too!!) There are plenty of people out there uncomfortable with the health claims made in sly marketing techniques.

So why are they doing this? Perhaps it has something to do with milk sales going down if they ban chocolate milk in the schools. Some think that it’s a conspiracy to make Americans unhealthy so they can make more money in the healthcare system or for population control. I don’t know…maybe it’s because people are typically stupid, especially in large groups. The fact is that this campaign needs to be crushed! It gives the very wrong impression that chocolate milk is actually good for children, when there’s already serious doubts wither regularly processed nonorganic white milk is suitable for consumption! Surely adding chocolate (often artificial) and sugar (often high fructose corn syrup) is NOT a good thing. True, children who drink flavored milk will drink more of it, but is this beneficial? I don’t think so. Those nutrients can be consumed by eating fruits and vegetables and cheese and yogurt rather then encouraging children to guzzle chocolate milk because it is ‘good’ for them. Of course, children don’t want to eat things that are good for them, which is why chocolate milk is the ‘easy way’ for them to be ‘healthy.’ Really, if there was an easy way to be healthy, our nation would have a low BMI and good muscle tone.

My kids love fruits and veggies, but they were raised with them. Processed foods and…chocolate milk…are a special treat. I think that if children grow up with a good diet you don’t have to buy sugared up cereals and chocolate milk to get them to eat well, and at the risk of repeating myself yet again, sugar has been proven to be bad for you! How can adding something bad for you to mechanically processed ‘nutrients’ be considered good for you??!!

STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you . . .

It is so hard making small choices sometimes.  Do I buy that dress?  A new pair of shoes?  Chicken or beef or tofu?  Big decisions about much more important options can be almost impossible, sometimes, especially when you are leaning in a direction that those around you may disagree with.

Perfect love drives out fear, and  if you seek His face He will give you peace about the path He wants you to take.  Sometimes, there is a God given healthy concern about an issue, but even in those times when there is a Godly urgency about something, there will be a level of peace there with you, you should never be overtaken with fear.

For instance, it’s only when I’m being selfish that I feel panic/fear over the idea of getting pregnant this month.  When I’m wanting to be on the computer or read or do something else that my children are taking me away from and requiring extra attention from me then I really want to give, that’s when I start thinking I’m crazy for wanting more children or the ‘burden’ of pregnancy woes and surgical delivery.  But when I have faith and trust in my Maker, I have joy in looking forward to another.

This is a good pattern to live your life by- notice why you feel fear and if it’s because you are not being Christ-like, then you need to look inward for a heartchange and reach further inward and ask our Helper to change it.  Jesus knew that fear and sinful selfish desires would rule the hearts of His followers, that’s why He told them before He left Earth that He would send a Helper, the Holy Spirit.  And as we change we find ourselves reaching outward towards others in Christ’s love.  When our hands are open to give and to receive we can’t make fists to fight or to hold onto our fear and selfishness.  This is something that I have really been learning a lot about these last couple of years of trials.

So as I am in the midst of the cancer pit and the chemo horrors and the pregnancy losses, do I have fear, or faith? I find that I have faith and peace. But it’s not easy, even with faith. I am not appreciating this time of my life. I don’t embrace it with the kind of joy that some say we should have while facing trials. I just want it to be over. But…there is still peace and faith.  Well, most of the time!  Admittedly there are times that I take my eyes off Jesus and begin to sink into the raging sea.

What about you? What has God taught you about faith, fear, peace and doubt? When have you felt the most peace and how has God used fear to bring about good things in your life? I’m willing to bet that true fear has never brought about good things.

Straight from the government, yes, the same one who declared the ’swine flu’ a pandemic and declared a national state of emergency!  ” Most people with 2009 H1N1 have had mild illness and have not needed medical care or antiviral drugs and the same is true of seasonal flu.”

Yes, H1N1 has been problematic for those with other underlying conditions, but the same is true for the regular flu.

Another article of interest “It’s really not causing — and is not going to cause and nowhere has caused — significant levels of illness or death,” said Dr. Richard Schabas, Ontario’s former chief medical officer of health.  “But governments moved ahead regardless. They ramped up their response, spent a huge amount of money on vaccines and other things (Canada spent $1.5 billion on their vaccine campaign.)  The huge investment that’s been put into planning for what has ultimately turned out to be, from a pandemic perspective, a dud.”

ABC news said “A new analysis, using H1N1 deaths in the United States in the spring and projecting likely outcomes for this fall, shows that a typical — or possibly even milder then average flu season should have been expected.

The finding begs the question: Has swine flu been oversold?

The new study, done by researchers at Harvard University and the Medical Research Council Biostatistics Unit in the U.K., says swine flu cases in the spring indicated a flu season that might be, at worst, slightly worse than normal.

“It would have been great to have that back in June,” said Philip Alcabes, an associate professor in the program in urban public health at Hunter College’s School of Health Sciences. “There would have been one more bit of evidence behind my assertion six months ago” that people were overreacting to H1N1.”

Mercola says “in Britain, health authorities’ original worst-case scenario — which said as many as 65,000 could die from H1N1 — has twice been revised down and the prediction is now for around 1,000 deaths, way below the average annual toll of 4,000 to 8,000 deaths from seasonal winter flu.”

And “Now it looks as though the H1N1 scare of 2009 will go down as one of the biggest government and pharmaceutical scams ever, renewing a healthy, and necessary, skepticism about government fear-mongering, the swine flu vaccine and the dubious dealings behind the implementation of worldwide mass-vaccination programs.”

From the most clinical health professional to the conspiracy theorists alike, all can agree that this most certainly was NOT the flu pandemic of 2009.

The Flu Pandemic

Copyright 1999 Topmast Productions and the Flying Fish Sailors

Chorus: It was the Flu pandemic
And it swept the whole world wide
It caught soldiers and civilians
And they died, died, died!
Whether they’re lying in the trenches
Or lying in their beds
Twenty million of them got it
And they’re dead, dead, dead!

There was a soldier on the battleground in 1917
He turned there to his buddy with his face a ghastly green
He said “We made it both through Passchendaele, the Somme, and Flanders too
But now my number’s up my lad for I’ve gone and caught the flu”

chorus

Well a nurse was in the hospital when Tommy was brought in
When he sneezed she caught a face full that was flying in the wind
She wrote a letter home to England to tell them of her plight
But the letter never got there ’cause the postman too had died

chorus

From the meadow-lands of Somerset and o’er the bounding main
To the shores of old Americay they sung the same refrain
Mothers, fathers, uncles and aunts as well as the odd nephew
Brothers and sisters and bosses and lovers were all got by the flu

chorus

Well a farmer out in China watched his family dropping down
And a businessman in Cairo hit the street without a sound
And an eager little Bolshevik in old Sevastopol couldn’t keep up his grinnin’ at Lenin as Comrade Virus took its toll

I dream of Benjamin sometimes.  Soon after his death I had a very healing dream where I was in a pretty cabin room with double doors that opened onto a patio.  Gauzy white curtains blew with the wind and soft white sheets with fluffy pillows surrounded me on the bed.  I was holding Benjamin and his eyes were open, he was alive!  He heart beat within his chest and he breathed rhythmically.  The midwife in my dream (different then my RL midwife) was there and a little confused why I thought that Benjamin had died.

I usually don’t remember my other Benjamin dreams when I wake, only that I had dreamed of him.  This morning I had another dream, though.  I did not realize I was dreaming, or it would have been very different.  I had things I wanted to do, an agenda for the week.  My mom was watching him, giving him a bottle.  I kept thinking that it was ok, I would see him soon.  I did see him for a brief moment here and there, and even nursed him, although I didn’t pay much attention to him.  It was just something I did, not a precious experience between mother and son.

When I woke I mourned that I didn’t cherish the time I had with him.  If only I had remembered that he was dead and I was dreaming and enjoyed him, instead of off doing my own thing.  But isn’t that the way our lives often go?  We are busy doing our own thing and although it may not mean leaving our children with someone else, we have our minds on the cooking and cleaning and other things…and neglect to cherish each moment with our loved ones because we think they will be there when we are ready.  But then sometimes they aren’t…things have changed and they are gone and our lives are full of missed opportunities that can never be retrieved.

“The Days we are given are gifts from above,today we  remember to live and to love…” Superchick.

In our house we have a few phrases that you hear every day. Here are two:

“You don’t get seconds until everybody has had firsts. ”

“You get what you get and you don’t whine about it! “

The second one is a particular favorite of our two year old and can be heard frequently (particularly when someone is whining.) When someone says it inevitably another child (or several) chorus “AMEN!”

It is so funny.

the joys of soda

Now, before I get a bunch of emails, I know that some sodas do not have HFCS.  In fact, there’s a popular line that has Splenda, although some believe that Splenda is worse then sugar.  When I have a hankering for soda I try to drink something with sugar or a new stevia sweetened, carbonated, flavored green tea.  Ultimately, I just try to stay away from it alltogether.  That’s a great ‘New Years Resolution.”  One soda a month?  None at all?   Carbonation dehydrates and has a strong link to tooth decay, so limiting all carbonated beverages is a good idea.

We are dreamers, always have been. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve been working on a book, a book without a name. Names are hard to decide on- you want something simple and self explanatory but memorable in a very nice way. She also doesn’t know that I have felt very strongly for years that I would be a public speaker. God has gifted me in this area, and I knew one day He would use it for His glory.

Well, my sister called me a little while ago with her dream from last night (which was Benjamin’s 9 month birthday.) I was standing on a stage speaking, and I had written a book. She remembers details, like my new hair cut, clothes and glasses. Beside me was a sign that had a pretty water color painting of a woman in a rockingchair looking through a window. The sign read “Loss and Gain: A Mother’s Story.”  Sitting in front of her was a man (She didn’t notice if it was Paul) and our 4 girls (older) and a little girl about 4-5 and a little boy about 2-3.  He had platinum blond hair and brown eyes (my husband did when he was young.) He wore long light blue shorts and a matching vest and white dress shirt.

So, now I have a title for my book.    She said I can use it so here’s my official claim to it.  Copyright 12/9/2009.

I have been reading a series of books over the last couple of years.  It’s now totaled to 15 books, but they are grouped in smaller series divisions.  Here’s a ‘trailor’ for ‘Book Zero” Green , it somewhat describes the other books as well.  I wouldn’t read Green first, though.  Read the Circle Trilogy Black, Red, White (I think that’s the order, there is one big book that has all three together.) The end of Green is the beginning of the trilogy, that is true, but it would be confusing and give too much away if you read Green first.  You can likely get them from the library, too (I did, although I had to get some of them from other libraries but they send them to your chosen library.)

Basically it’s a fantasy series kind of like LOTR and C of N.  Thomas Hunter wakes up in a beautiful world where the animals speak and the people follow the Great Romance as they woo each other and swim in Elyon’s waters at the Gathering, celebrating life and love in Elyon.  They are friends of the Roush, fluffy white bat like creatures who are as cuddly as they are noble and courageous.  The humans’ leader, Tanis, is deceived by the Shataiki- the black and evil counterparts to the Roush.  Their world falls into Black as the Shataiki are released from the Dark Forest to ravage the Colored Forests.  Tanis and those who follow him now worship Telah, the ruler of the Shataiki, instead of Elyon. Their flesh is eaten by the Disease making them Scabs, creating a new race called the Horde who make it their mission to destroy all those who love Elyon and bathe in the lakes to fight the disease which tries to overtake their flesh as well.

Meanwhile Present Earth is under threat of the Raison Strain, a virus that began as a vaccine and mutated into something that was sure to destroy all human kind.  Thomas Hunter races the clock as he tries to save both worlds, jumping back and forth between them each time he goes to sleep.

As I said there’s also The Lost Books  and the Paradise Novels.   The Lost Books are about the characters in the future Earth and the Paradise novels are about the characters in the present Earth and how they affected Future Earth. Definitely read the Circle Trilogy first.

When I read Ted Dekker’s books in this series I feel like a hole opens up and I drop into this other world.  The characters are so rich and as realistic as one can get in a fantasy realm.

When I was pregnant with Benjamin I borrowed our local ICAN library’s “Birthing From Within.” It looked interesting, although I had never heard of it before. Actually, natural birth books were entirely new to me as I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant or had children when I got pregnant the first time and then went into labor at 26 weeks, again at 28 weeks, again at 30 weeks, and had a c-section at 32 weeks for fetal decels (and of course was railroaded into more c-sections later.)

For those of you who don’t know, it’s not just a book about natural birthing. It is more so a book about discovering one’s self, your inner most thoughts and feelings about birth. I found that largely, it was a therapeutic book on acknowledging one’s fears and pain from previous deliveries or other traumatic experiences and healing in those areas, so one can embrace a new pregnancy and delivery with fresh excitement and peace. A journey untainted by previous experiences, only aided by them.

I certainly found the book a healing BEGINNING. I was still planning my VBA4C and read so many other books as well and was really doing well emotionally/mentally. But then tragedy struck and I was once again in need of healing. I ordered Birthing From Within when I ordered some books for my girls on stillbirth. Then before I started it, my sister was faced with some pretty serious issues with her OB so I loaned her Birthing From Within in hopes that she would avoid a c-section with her third pregnancy. She gave it back to me last night and I skimmed the first chapter.

The first activity has you journal your thoughts on pregnancy and delivery. These were the first thoughts that came to me- Death. Pain. Empty Arms. Tears. Grief.

Wow. OK. So I guess it’s time to re-read it. Hopefully by the time I finish it (along with the journaling and other birth art that will come through reading it) my first thoughts will have transformed. Certainly I cannot be a doula/midwife while I have such feelings predominating my feelings of pregnancy and birth. It’s time for a rebirthing of myself, so when (if) I do have another baby it will come from a place of wholeness and light, as truly all births begin from within, wither one acknowledges it or not.

I went to my post surgical checkup today. Dr Zepeda once again said that my remaining fallopian tube and ovary looked great and my uterus healed very nicely from the rupture. He gave no concerns about another pregnancy. Paul asked about conception during chemo and he said that was just fine, although chemo may cause infertility, it will not cause birth defects in the baby! I know there’s a lot of men out there who are told to wait 2 years after chemo is OVER before trying to have another child. His oncologist ALSO said that chemo is not a concern to him during conception and my OB said he’s known that oncologist for 30 years, and he’s known to be the best in the field (which BTW my OB and our chiropractor are also well known and all three teach in medical schools.)

You could tell that Paul was very relieved, especially that my uterus looks great. There’s a lot of scar tissue around the bladder which is typical following multiple cesareans. I’ll have to remember discussing silicone film in the future to help prevent adhesions after another cesarean.

Ultimately I’m still praying that God heals me and I can have a natural delivery. I’m not sure that God will bless us with another baby, but if He does our youngest will be 3 1/2 or older. After having ’stair step’ deliveries, that will be a very different experience!!

This has been such a hard year on all of us. I am just begging God for a fantastic 2010. We’ll see what happens.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

I won’t fake it.  It’s not easy being a mom who is also autistic.  It’s even harder being a mom who is autistic and raising children who are on the autism spectrum.  Add to that a mom who is autistic, married to a man with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, raising children on the autism spectrum, while undergoing miscarriages and surgeries.

Yet, I find joy in serving my family.  Not always.  I do grumble occasionally.  But I love my family immesly.

I realize that my husband would likely do better with a wife that is more self sufficient.  After all, I can’t seem to remember to brush my teeth or take my vitamins without his pokes.   But he loves me and doesn’t seem to mind (most of the time) helping me in my disabilities.  His feelings aren’t hurt when I tell him I can’t handle being touched that day.  He notices when I am overwhelmed and need some time in a quiet space (who doesn’t need that, even without a disability!)

I so desire the ability to give him a perfectly orderly and quiet environment where he can recover and heal.  I’m sure he desires that as well, yet, he recognizes that I have some limitations.

Not only do I feel that I fail my husband in certain areas, but I think I fail my children.  I can’t seem to find a way to rally them up and get them to joyfully and willingly obey.

Still, I am pleased with God’s direction and immeasurable strength and peace He has provided me.  Not that I always illuminate with peace, mind you, but it is there for the taking.

For instance, God directed us towards the gluten free diet.  Our lives are completely different thanks to this ’simple’ change in diet!  I find that tea has helped give me some calm during the crazy parts of the day like after lunch and dinner, and seems to be helping Paul as well.  Most of all, a grasp of God’s sovereignty carries us through any trial that comes our way.  Again, not that we always react in faith!  But God is unboundingly merciful to us in such times of distress.  Ultimately, we have peace in the midst of a raging storm.

I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy yesterday. It wasn’t in my liver (thankfully, as I was fearing that) but in my right fallopian tube. It was the twin to the baby I miscarried several weeks ago. The Dr said that my other ovary and tube look wonderful, my rupture has healed well, although I have a lot of scarring where the bladder is.

My dr was completely shocked as well as the NP who did my earlier scans and the conferring OB. Everyone were totally blown away. I wasn’t, I’ve felt from the beginning I had twins and one was ectopic. They would have never caught this one but I have been terribly sick the last three weeks and have been pushing for answers to why I feel this way. I thought it was a concussion and went to the ER who released me because of a positive pregnancy test and no ultrasound. Two days later I had an ultrasound and more blood work. Nothing in the ultrasound, and blood work showed a decrease in HCG as I had expected since I had miscarried weeks earlier.

I called several times but they never got a message to the OB and A WEEK LATER my OB called very concerned about my blood work and wanted to see me ASAP in level 4 (?) ultrasound. They had no appointments available and said they could see me in a week. I insisted that it was imperative that I get seen sooner and they said I have an apt IN DECEMBER. So I finally had to settle for a week, which was Wed. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very concerned and didn’t say much but spent a long time doing the ultrasound. She told me
to go immediately to my DR office ( which was in the same department.)

I did and was told GO HOME. He will call me in a few days (like he did with my lab work??) I refused to go home. But he’s not here, he’ll be back in a few hours, it’s his surgery day. I insisted that they get someone to look at my ultrasound. I overheard them talking to the tech who was clearly worried and said she couldn’t see the baby. Since we weren’t looking for a baby specifically (the ultrasound order didn’t say why I was there) I knew that something was clearly wrong.

So they called my OB and read to him what the ultrasound tech wrote in the report, that there was a large mass near my right ovary. They didn’t tell me this, but came and told me that they read the report to the OB while he was in surgery and he told them to not let me leave. So I waited several hours and he came in with a conferring OB who reviewed my previous ultrasounds and records. They were astounded and as it was too late to get me into surgery scheduled me for first thing the next morning. (I left at 4:30 AM for the hospital.)

When they opened me up my tube began to rupture. I bled a lot. They almost had to give me a transfusion. My BP went very very low and my hemoglobin is low (I’m taking iron for it.)

I am so thankful that I hit my head and pursued the strange symptoms and pushed for the ultrasound and insisted on staying until someone looked at my ultrasound. Otherwise, I would have ruptured at home, 45 minutes from the nearest hospital and alone (my parents were going out of town and hubby works an hour away.) I could have died. But God is sovereign and merciful and He protected me from death.

Another set of twins with Jesus. I was thankful that there was no
heartbeat as I couldn’t make that decision to take the baby out, even if it threatened my life, if it meant directly killing the baby. It’s been several months that I felt strongly I would have an ectopic and had prayed fervently that if that were to happen that God would take the baby home to be with Him before the surgery. His peace was so strongly upon me as I was wheeled into surgery.

Today Paul has cried a lot. It’s very painful for him to cry since the chemotherapy causes tremendous pain to his face. But he is so very sad that our four living girls (ages 2,4,5,6) have experienced so much loss lately. We all are.

Sarah,mom to 4 girls on Earth Kailey Faith, Bethany Hope, Taryn Grace and Kaitlyn Joy and possibly 8 treasures in Heaven

missing Allanah Charity (Kailey’s twin lost at 9 weeks in 2002)
Thomas (Benjamin’s twin lost at 6 weeks in 2008)
Benjamin Isaiah stillborn at 40 weeks on March 8,2009
Emma Liberty miscarried at 7 weeks October 7, 2009
Emma’s twin Elizabeth Shalom ectopic pregnancy removed Nov 12, 2009
three possible (unconfirmed) miscarriages in 2006-2009

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

My good friend and I are always pregnant together, except my #2 girl. She wasn’t pregnant then. But when she is pregnant, I am pregnant. She had three girls and I had four so we were praying for boys. BOTH needed to be boys. And sure enough, they were! But then Benjamin was stillborn and Jett was not. It was a close call for him, though. Homebirth, short chord wrapped tightly around his neck AND torso if I remember correctly. Very close call. They had to resuscitate him I think. But thankfully the midwife is very experienced and Jett did just fine.

I hadn’t seen him yet. Last week we met at the zoo. He looks just like his sisters, a little Ledman boy if you ever saw one. The stroller she used wasn’t working well for him and I offered that he could ride in mine since our 2 Yos were running around together. I couldn’t help but think that it was supposed to be Benjamin in that stroller. Our beautiful little girls running delightedly around the zoo and our sweet little boys being carried in slings or pushed in the strollers. As the girls ate next to the sea lions we would have nursed the babies. And yet Jett (thankfully) was here and Benjamin was not.

We were looking at the primates and my friend asked me if I was ok.  Yes, I was.  No, I wasn’t.  How do you reply?  I’m never completely ok.

The new stone paving leading into the zoo can be engraved (donations)and I had planned to do that with some of the money in his memorial fund. I couldn’t help but try to read all the ones that have been engraved, my eyes were glued to them on the way in and on the way out. You can get 1,2, or 4 engraved at I think $100 a brick. Man if I had $400 I take up a whole square!!

We haven’t ordered Benjamin’s headstone yet but it’s picked out. We need to decide what photo to use and what epitaph. I’ve had a hard time getting hubby to sit down and do it. Understandably, it’s a difficult thing to do for sure.

I think we’ll go to the cemetery today.

This is what we are doing this Christmas in lieu of gifts. Please go to www.gfa.org for a catalog, a church gift packet which includes a DVD, bulletin insert and catalog or view their online catalog. Our girls just love picking out gifts in the catalog and talk about it well into the next year.

I was reading an interesting thread in a friend of mine’s journal on this topic. He was describing a systematic view of his own morality, how he lives his life and weighs good from bad (well, that’s an overly simplistic view of it but you get the idea.) A reader replied that she finds most people cannot express what they believe, probably because they’ve never really thought about it. When they get upset at ‘opposing’ viewpoints they really speak from their emotions and not from their researched or truly thoughtful beliefs. This led me to reply:

yes, I would agree with your experience with others and their concept of their own beliefs (or lack thereof.) It reminds me of an experience in college (several actually but one in particular stands out.)

I raised my hand and responded to the professor’s statement “By that train of thought, Satan and man are greater and more powerful then God.” Since it was a Bible college murmurs erupted and my classmates became quite upset. Prof considered it for a moment and said “Yes, you are correct.” The protests grew louder and he explained why his (and most of the students there) theology, if considered purely logically, would (should) lead to the belief that people and Satan are greater then God.

Of course because they believed A but not B their emotions clouded their logic (or maybe they lacked it entirely.) They were completely unable to explore what A meant to B and have a rational discussion on it. Students actually WALKED OUT!!

BTW, despite my unwillingness to swallow everything as taught, my professors thoroughly enjoyed having me in their classes. Apparently they valued students who thought for themselves and I chose to base my beliefs on logic and Scriptural exegesis rather then deciding what I believed FIRST and THEN looked for Scripture to back up my claims.

I sum up my beliefs regarding how to live in this world in one word- respect. I was trying to simplify our house rules and realized that I teach my girls so much that perhaps it was hard for them to remember absolutely ever rule I have thrown out there. So I told them that if they lacked respect for their possessions, siblings, parents, pet, ect then it would break a rule. If they jump on the sofa then they have no respect for the sofa. If they draw on the walls they disrespect the walls (or the parents who have to clean up the mess.) Respect is key to living rightly towards those around us. If we sin against God, then we are also not showing respect to God. This is of course overly simplistic when laying our your beliefs, but works wonderfully in child training.

I began to miscarry Sunday. I went into full fledged labor on Monday. It is so hard to tell my girls, but my 5 YO keeps saying “I hope this baby doesn’t die” and my 6 YO keeps telling Emma goodnight. So I told them it looks like God is taking Emma Liberty to Heaven.

We have a funeral today, a friend of mine delivered a stillborn little girl named Sara Beth at 39 weeks. She knew that she had trisomy 18 so this was not a surprise, but there was great hope that God would perform a miracle and they could bring their baby girl home.

Despite my miscarriage I have chosen to go to the funeral. I feel that I am likely to be the only one there who really truly knows what it is like to hold your full term newborn baby’s lifeless body in your arms.

I am sorry I never got to see Emma’s face, but I will one day. Heaven is such a better place and I am happy that she is happy.

So, my births go in this fashion

Alannah went on to Heaven at 9 weeks August 2002, her twin was born healthy at 32 weeks

Kailey Faith 1-23-03 (6)

Bethany Hope 2-22-04 (5)

unconfirmed miscarriage June 2004

Taryn Grace 5-4-05 (4)

Kaitlyn Joy 3-30-07 (2)

unconfirmed miscarriage May 2008

Thomas miscarried at 6 weeks, July 2008, his twin joined him later

Benjamin Isaiah born sleeping 3-8-2009 at 40 weeks 1 day

unconfirmed miscarriage August 2009

Emma Liberty miscarried at 6 1/2 weeks October 2009

I am storing up treasures in Heaven.